Monday, June 30, 2008
Well... here I am. In Tyler, TX... and ofcourse scared shitless, and full of anxiety atacks and stuff. This is not fun I tell you... This place is kind of run down and bleh, haven't seen Riva yet...
I've been having vibes for a long time now that she is avoiding me, hope I'm wrong since she said she always spoke the truth and was on her mind and also that she isnt the kind of person that makes someone else have to guess. I remember that when we started talking, the topic of conversation was how women (yes, you guys) never say what is on their minds and make other people have to guess... as if we are psychic.. And I remember her saying that she wasn't like that.
Hmmm, I wonder...
Anyways.. I'm omw to the homeless shelter where I'll be staying for a few months until I get myself a car.. I thought about it and it would be better to get myself a car first and then an apt... money saving wise is more efficient and if things don't work out here or if I don't like it... I can just drive somewhere else.
ugh... I'm not feeling too good... alright guys, this is it for update... don't worry... as long as I remember you guys, I won't give up (even though I feel like it now)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Hello once more all of my readers. Im sure there are lovers and haters that view this blog... And if you are a hater then just don't read it, it's simple really... unless you are too nosy and useless to control simple human emotions. mwahahaha.
Anyways This is dedicated to all my friends who have supported me through my hardships and have tolerated my mood swings and outbursts... I can honestly say I didn't think many of you would truly care enough about me to the point where I would trust you.
I knew I would care about you because it is the way I am and I can't change it. But from caring about you to trusting you... well there is a big gap and my standarts on people are pretty high as you must have noticed by reading this blog.
Truly from the bottom of my heart I thank you... As I have done before, I'll post names of those that I consider true friends and people that have a good soul... You guys are a hard find in this world and I admire you and wish you never change...
Iruka, Charl, Bloodminx, Shimer, Whiteowl, Vendria & Zibelthiurdos...
Iruka... You said I've changed a lot since you met me... And I guess it is true, but I owe my change mostly to you... Truly the hope I had for others had vanished completely... but your kindness and tolerance towards me in my darkest days were the greatests of helps I ever received.
You never wanted anything in return... you always gave me more than I asked for, when I was sad you were sad and viceversa... we just tried to cheer each other up no matter how strange we acted or what was said or done... the next day we knew that we would still be there for one another as if nothing had happened... That was my biggest support. Thank you Michan...
Charl.. No matter how bad I was to you sometimes, you still loved me like a mum... You never changed, you just pushed harder and harder to make me feel loved and cared for... hell you even have a song that you weep to sometimes when you hear it because it reminds you of me.
I didn't think anyone would care for me that way outside of a romantic relationship... I believe in your family love and even after all m weirdness you still believed in me and never gave up on me... thank you for your patience with me... really appreciate it =)
Minxie... You are the first person I have had some sort of relationships with that didn't turn bad... I was scared to loose your friendship and that you might hate me or despise me in some way... But you didn't. I tell you that you are awesome but you don't believe me... You are awesome for the sacrifices you make for your family. I am still amazed by it... Also for the fact that you still talk to me.. I am not used to it...
People I've been involved with have always stopped talking to me and even hated me... That is what hurt me the most about the distancing. I will always look up to you for courage to do what is right, even if it makes you feel pain... You are the best and a hero of sorts to me. Never give up and I'll always be here for you no matter what it is.
Shimer... We have a very strange friendship to say the least and you probably will never get to read this since you dont own a computer. But even if you don't get to read it I still feel the need to give my thanks... Everyone in this world looses someone, that is life and nothing can be done about it. All we can do is live on for those that are no longer with us and try to become a better person to make their names live on forever.
I still sort of regret that we had an argument many months ago to made us loose contact with each other for the longest of times... But we are friends once more and that is all that matters in the end. I'll try and be more like you and not be stranded in the past by deaths of loved ones. And remember.. there is someone out there just for you. =)
Whitey... similar to Shimer, we had our falldown, but I never held anything against you. It was just a misunderstanding that grew out of proportion. I've always thought you were a great person and I am glad that I helped you in a moment of weakness. It almost makes it worth it to have experienced bad things in life if I can make someone feel better and not alone through their pains...
It might not be obvious or said, but I am borrowing your strength as well. While you have your own serious problems in life, you keep on working and keeping a smile on... By you not giving in to fate and depression, it makes me want to better myself too. I've mopped aroud for too long and it's time to start caring for myself in return for your caring. Never falter whitey.
Bri... we met a long time ago and never spoke again until recently. You have very strong morals and a way of thinking that is very similar to mine... I thought I was weird by having such high standards for humans and for thinking they would be better off dead... But in you I found someone that has that same pickyness about others.
It makes me believe in my beliefs and morals more and think I am right in feeling this way. I'd like to meet you one day and have a few drinks just for the hell of it. Im sure the conversations would be anything but boring ^^... I'll see you someday since we both live in TX now and hang.
And finally Zibbie..You are one of the few guys that I think are worth something... but then again you are gay, so I don't know if I should call you a guy or not technically lol... but still. Out of everyone mentioned, you are the one I have been around the longest and despite many and much drama you still back me up and cheer me on...
When I tried to kill myself by slicing my wrists, you were the ONLY one that cared enough about me to make a GM call... and it worked because the police called to make sure I was ok...That is the one thing I will never forget about you. People might say whatever they want to say about homosexuals.. but you are much better than most guys by a very long shot. Don't ever change man and don't let anyone tell you what is right or wrong.
Whew.. that was long.. I wrote so much this time because I am moving to TX past tomorrow and I wont be around you guys for a long time... it makes me sad, but it's got to be done... I realized after spending time with all of you... that I must better myself... not only for my sake but also as to not let you down... You all care about me so much and I have been a looser all this time... It took me a long time, but I am finally back to my old self.
I remembered one thing very clearly about my past... and that is when I was abandoned in a homeless shelter many years ago... I was in so much pain and distrusting of everyone that it is similar to how I have felt lately... but slowly and surely I started to work hard again and laugh a lot with people I lived with while I was there...
I am moving to find that something I have lost along the way... I am going to be living in a homeless shelter once more and start working hard to better myself again... That is the reason I wont have internet for so long.... I am tired of depending on someone else to keep me alive. I will make sure to get back to you guys no matter what, but it might take a while until I can afford it....
This will be my last post from Arkansas and while I wont be able to talk to you, I will be borrowing all your love and care and strenght and make somethign of myself.... someone you will be proud of.... Know that everything you have done for me hasn't been in vain.. You are my heroes... I love you guys and someday I will make sure to tell you that face to face... it's a promise!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
What the hell..?
Ok... what the fuck have I done wrong? over friendly? over trusting? someone please explain to me how something that is so great and amazing can turn upside down and become the most agonazing thing you can think of and feel?
There is one thing that I have always know and to no surprise it keeps proving itself over and over... people are fucking idiotic, so fucking pathetic.... Lies, betrayal, uncaringness. a conplete and total disregard torwards a fellow human being;s feelings.
This is dedicated to you dear myspace "friends", you know it's not hard to go to "sent messages" and check the status of a message you have sent... it says either "Sent", "Read", "Replied" It is a no brainer here. Sent means you sent a message to them and it's unread by them... Read means they read it and replied means they replied to it.
This is dedicated to all you "judges" of the world that think they know a person but they have no fucking idea or even try to understand or try to understand a person... all they see is superficial things.... Just because you can't understand someone's sacrifice or friendlyness, doesn't mean that they are a bad person... just because you can't seem to trust or believe in someone, does not mean that they are automatically bad.
Hell, Im probably the person in the world that really doesn't trust anyone, but yet I still give them a chance and try to understand them. I mean I really don't get it... What the hell have I done to merit bad judgement? What? Im so poor I can't afford to keep minutes on my phone? Im so poor that I have to walk 1 mile if I want to make a phonecall? Is it my fault that the one person that lends me their phone is on vacation and hasn't returned?
See I can understand doubts... I have them too, what I don't get is how people would just judge someone without knowing the truth of what is going on... all you humans plain suck and all you are interesetd in is in making yourself feel good... you guys are so sad it makes me sick.
I am willing to go above and beyond for people I care about, even if it makes me feel like crap. Maybe that is why others can't seem to understand me or my actions? maybe I'm the one that is idiotic for wanting to believe in others even if I hate others.
I'm about to make a huge sacrifice in my life and all people seem to thnk about my sacrifice is that I am doing it with bad intentions.... well for those of you that think that I have bad intentions I only have one thing to say... "FUCK YOU" You don't know me and judge me by stereotypicals and generalizations...
This sacrifice Im about to make in less than a week is going to greatly hurt me.. I know it, I just know that people are going to make my life miserable just because they can't be bothered to get to know me... Why am I still doing it? because I do have some hope left that at least 1 person is able to see beyond all of this... someone that was supposed to understand me and be like me like no other person in the entire world.
I'm going to be honest, I am fucking scared out of my mind of this move Im about to make. I used to have no doubts in my mind it would work.. but ever since I got that message I don't know what to believe in anymore and my mind hasn't been able to rest because it's pondering all teh possibillities and possible outcomes...
The results of all my thinking and analization have led me mostly to one conclusion... I am going to be hated and alone for no god damn reason other than because people can't be open minded or believe in me./trust me.... So why am I still making this move/sacrifice? because out of the 20+ possible outcomes, 2 or 3 of them are good... and as long as the probabilities of happiness aren't 0%, I can't just give up otherwise I'll have regrets or wonder what if... and I can't have that.
Maybe it is an idiotic and foolish way to think, but I have known true happiness and I am not ready to give that up once more without a fight...If I don't make the move, I'm just going to keep being miserable and if I make the move there is a small chance that I won't be miserable anymore... isn't that chance worth taking?... I believe so, even if I have lost faith in others.... it is still worth a shot to find some salvation.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
It's been a while since I last wrote, sorry.... been too busy to write and havent had the motivation to do soo ^^;
And well, Im kinda busy atm so I wont write much =p... let's just say that I'm moving to another state in a month or so and Im pretty excited about it... I have felt that my life has been at a standstill for the longest time... now I feel like its going somewhere.
anyways, Ill write more later with details :)... seeyas!