Sunday, May 25, 2008
Well... I want to say that everything I have written below has been before I met someone (you know who you are =)...
Well... I finally spoke to someone about Iraq... I let out most of what I had bottled up and I feel a little better.. but I don't want to talk about it again... Someone that matter a lot to me knows.... and that is enough to make me not want to talk about it anymore... because no-one else really matters that much in all honesty.
And Im not saying that my friends that check my page don't matter.... I'm saying that you dont need to know about it and I don't need to talk about it... I love you guys a lot for being my friends.. anyways, Hope you dont feel unappreciated because I haven't told you... It is just that I am not comftable talking about myself.
I want to thank you all for being my friends and understanding and not leaving me and supporting me.... but most of all, for caring. I liek to give props where they are earned, so I will add your names =)
Rivadaris, Charl, Bloodminx, Iruka, Aeona, Namahana.
Thank you.... now I am off to bed... I'll write later =)
Thursday, May 22, 2008
yuk... been throwing up.. a lot .... some blood included.. ; ;.. I even fainted for a while... I think it might be my damaged liver.... or maybe because I ran out of meds... maybe because I had an anxiety attack.. I dont know... I am a mess..... So many thing I can say to degrade myself... but honestly... Im not even in the mood for doing that -.-... Headache isn't letting me.
Sorry everyone for not telling you in the game... don't want to worry you too much, plus I don't want to seem like I just want attention and want people to pity me. Plus drama is never good -.-..................... Can't think straight, cant even think of something to rite, so I'll just stop...... later
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Edit: Ok, here is prime example of how quickly my depression comes and goes fast.. about an hour after I wrote the last post I became happy and was joking around again. Someone's 6 y/o daughter (not sure if that someone wants their name included in blog so I leave it out) played the game while that person was afk... And she was just running around exploring xD She can't type so she just pressed random keys on the keyboard , it was so cute and funny lmao...
We also played chasey... I chased her then she chased me lol... it was fun and got me in a great mood. Anywas Im gonna go sleep ^^.. good night all. And this should be prime example of how quick my mood can change.
Monday, May 19, 2008
ZZZzzz tired.. so be grateful I write today =p
Let's start with the bitching first today, shall we? and gossip lol... he target of today;s rant goes to the one and only.. Ivancloud! (hears booing in the background) calm down calm down people xD... I know you might not want hear more form him, but I just heard some new things about him that just make me detest him even more...
Well, Ivan has been going out with Kristen and he is superjealous and it might not work out, yadda yadda... but that isn't the juicy part... oh no, get this... It turns out that he is stalking a friend of mine because she wouldn't cyber with him... now how is that for pathetic? But do you see the point I'm trying to make?
He is going out with someone (Kristen who is a "friend")... he is jealous that she might cheat on HIM, yet he is the one that is going around asking strangers for cyber.. now that is just sad... really pathetic and the lowest of the low.... oh yeah.. and since my friend wouldn't cyber with him, he is harrassing her.. selfcentered egocentrical twofaced hypocrite trash.
You know... I am not religious, but with most of the people being like him... I can see why in revelations God would come and cleanse the world of these worms... Hell, I'd even acept him taking me just because I'd have the satisfaction of knowing those morons would burn in hell... I'll be in hell laughing at them.... that alone will be worth it.
Anyways, since Kristen is/was a friend of mine and I kinda had a crush on her; I had to warn her about him. Even if I am treated like shit, I still have a soft spot for people... call me... an idiot if you will.
So I go and tell her and she pretty much seemed un-interested in the news... almost as if she didn't want me talking to her or bothering her. Maybe she thinks I'm trying to break them up so I have a shot at her? My answer to that is.... no... I've already seen how she is and I am not interested in spending time with people like that... sure I'll help and be friendly, but nothing romantic involved... Which brings me to the good part of the post...
As I am sure you have noticed, the frequency of my posts is decreasing... And well, it's mainly because I haven't had anything bad to write about.. I've been kind of having a good time this last week mainly due to the fact that I am hanging around with great people that have taken me in and seem to trully care about me.
And I apologize if I sound rude or mean for what I am about to say, but I still don't trust them completely... yes they are great people and seem to care, but there is still a part of me that doesn't want to believe it.. And really.. can you blame me for being this cautious? after reading this blog?
A tip for you guys to get me to start believing, is to not change the way you have been acting or treating me... everything is going great guys and I'm loving it...I will try my best to keep being the same as well... but some days I might have a bipolar attack and start saying things and doing stuff that I don't really mean... Just please try to not take me seriously if I'm having one of those days... I'll be back to normal soon, I promise.. as long as you dont change =)
Oh, and also sorry to Iruka, Aeona and Nama for being a bit distant as of late, You always seem to catch me while I am busy or about to go sleep >_<.... and also I am starting to like someone and Im seeing how it goes. I'm in no rush this time around, so I am taking my time.. and that means a lot of talking. I don't want to go through drama again.. I don't need it
But yeah... that's about it for writing... I'm about to pass out -.- peace!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Yes, yes, I know... I haven't been writing as often as I used to. But I've been busy in game =p
Hmmm, Today I got 3 Avatars with Michan and co. and I havent slept at all for like over 24 hours so Im really tired and about to pass out... Well, I've made a few new friends that I consider good friends, I call them my FFXI family =)
Unfortunately today, my LS friends and family had a verbal fallout, but it turns out that it was a misunderstanding of what was said. My family left my friends LS and made a new one and I ofcourse joined it as well. I dropped the last LS, but they gave me a new one.. I just don't feel like going to the old one anymore, only person worth talking to in there is whitey, but she can't join the new LS.... so I guess I'll just stick to tells with her... Sorry, I really hate having a lot of LS's, they take too much space and Im usually on just one of them.
Well, Im tired... so tired that my eyes are closing and I cant think of anything to write.... soooooooo good night
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sorry I haven't written in a bit... been kind of busy and kept forgetting to write in here before I went to sleep. Sooooo anyways... Last couple of days I've been going emo on a friend of mine, think I broke the friendship we had and I've been down... But oh well.... Im crazy, what can I say?
Hmmm what else? oh yeah, I was supposed to go to the mental health thingy yesterday, but I blew it off >.< I just didn't feel like leaving the house or waking up.... I probably should of have gone, but meh. who cares?
Hmmm, I don't know... guess I'm too tired to ramble on about things right now, because trust me, I have a bunch of things in my mind that I could blurt out =p... but I don't feel like it.
Well, catch you later guys and thank you for the comments <3
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Sigh... whole post got deleted -.-... dammit... fuck it, it was a very bad day full of suicidal thoughts.. dont feel like writting it again.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Ugh, I hate my internet >.< I missed Dynamis bastok again... and without it completed I can't go on with the rest of the LS -.-... It'll probably be a month before I try it again =/
It really sucks... Well, other than my internet sucking balls, I saw an old face I did not want to see again... Viciousjutsu. I hate that guy... He took a friend of mine's wife... yeah, he knew it too... my friend and his ex had a baby.
So not only did this morally handicapped jutsu made a married couple break up, he also made the baby's future a bad one... What the fuck is wrong with him? Doesn't he have a brain? does he use his head other than his dick's?
Now you all know how I feel about guys that are sluts and cyber or have a relationship with a married woman even though she isn't separated or divorced... But bring a baby into the problem? Well that is just unacceptable. I mean cmon, think about it....
The baby's future was maybe a bright one and grow up with his loving family.. his mom and dad. You know, normal life with financial stability of having 2 incomes and loving parents... But now? He is going to grow up torn between who gets to keep him, who he wants to be with more, custody battles, whomever gets him is going to struggle to raise him and his financial future wont be as bright...
I mean fuck that... It is one thing to destroy a marriage and it is another to destroy an innocent human's life... If that person doesn't sicken you and do whatever in your power to make him feel like shit.. then you are not my friend, I am sorry. But I cannot be with someone so morally ambiguous that can accept what he has done.
Pisses me off...
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
*yawn* 7am and still awake... I had to work yesterday -.-... Well I didn't HAVE to.. but my manager pretty much begged me to go work because someone called in sick, and well; she has been paying for my food and bills and stuff while I'm down in this funk, so I couldn't just say no.
Gah, yesterday I was reading about anxiety because a lot of bipolar people suffer from it and I wondered if I had the same thing... Sure enough, seems I have anxiety and agoraphobia . It's not bad, but it is there and it makes me very uncomftable.
I made sure to pay attention to everything I felt while at work that was different from this past 3-4 weeks.. and I showed most of the symphtoms for both anxiety and agoraphobia/ stranger anxiety, such as:
~ Excesive sweating
~ Dhiarea (I was feeling it, didn't actually go to the rest room)
~ Dizziness/ Lightheaded
~ Chest pain
~ Shaking/trembling
~ Nausea
~ Rapid heartbeats
~ Tiredness
~ Cold sweating/Chills
~ Felt like I had a fever
~ Etc
But yeah, I did not feel them all at once, it was like it was there, then another one appeared, then they dissapear but another one comes.... When I got back home I felt like I had a fever, it's weird really... But atleast Im understanding myself a little bit better.
Anyways, after work I came to play for a few minutes only because I was feeling feverish but I ended up playing all night util now... I PL'd kiwi's brother for like 2 hours and he is a pretty cool guy, reminds me of myself alot actually. It turns out that all 3 of us suffer from bipolarity and other things in common as well.
These past few days I have been finding more and more people that suffer from the same thing I do, some people not as bad and some people just as bad (I have yet to meet someone worse than me... Maybe I have already met that person but he/she isnt open about it)
Now, I am not running a competition of who is better or who is worse... I am just talking to all of these people to understand this illness better... What causes it for them, how they think, how they feel, how they live, etc... Maybe if I understand it more and myself more I can get better... or at least know how to make someone else better.
I have always been interested in psychology, as in how the mind works... I have never read a book about it or study it, just now I am researching online to see the definition for what I have... But I'd most rather talk to others directly about it.
I find I dislike people.... 90% of people I know or have met/talked to, I dislike... I get bad vibes from them or I am simply not interested in them.... their lives so trivial and dull... I cannot have a long conversation with them. But it is different with people similar to me, people that are suffering... they are interesting to me and I want to help them and understand them more.
I guess that 90% would just try to get away from them just so they don't have to deal with the drama, but I am attracted to them.. We can talk all day about random things and it would pretty much not interest me... but as soon as you start telling me about your problems, I become intrigued and involved, I want to find out more and try to help out. It is the way I am.
I hate drama, I really do.... but there is drama and then there is problems... drama is pretty much a person that just is involved in themselves and involve others not interested into it and get them annoyed because it's always the same thing.... Problems is when a person suddenly changes their attitude but it's not often, and they dont involve a lot of people, just one.
Problems I love to hear... Drama, not so much... Drama is usually people that you don't know well or dont like... problems is people you know and are friends with.
So yes, if you tell me your problems I will listen and try to make you feel better... but if you are a stranger and start talking to me about this, I'll just think to myself 'wtf, this is a drama person'.
If you are reading this, then you are my friend; as simple as that, so don't feel like it is a burden to me or that I am going to pity you... because it isn't true. If anything I will come to admire you and your honesty.
That is all, I am about to pass out x.x... I love you guys, don't be afraid to come to me if you need something, someone to talk to or need some advice. I am here for you
Peace
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Gah, I got a headache x.x... Only slept 4 hours last night and I havent slept at all since then.. I've been meaning to sleep but my mind wont shut down... I over think things too much. I think the term used by the mental health doctors is "always being on your guard"... Like I analyze everything to the smallest of deatils and I sort the puzzle to get a clear picture of the truth.
Why always being on guard then? because I do this to not get hurt again... Like if I am over 90% sure that a person has good intentions then I usually let my guard down.. but if there is less than 90%, then I keep a safe distance... I don't really know how to explain it.
I have 'photographic' memory when it comes to what people say, I remember everything to the smallest of words and details.. I use this in combination with my 'abiliy' to read people and I can usually sort out the puzzle really fast and figure a person out... This is how I get to the % of a persons intentions, motives, line of thinking and way of feeling.... Also since I remember everything that is said and details, I can also tell how that person is feeling or what they are doing or thinking..
It is really hard to explain,but this is the best I can do to kind of help you get an idea of how my mind works... What does this have to do with me not being able to shut my mind down?... Well, I spend all my time rolling in bed trying to sort a person out. The way I see it is that the faster I get to the big picture of them, the faster I can tell if I should be on my guard or not. Also if I should waste my time or not or them... I really hate wasting time... Which is kind of Ironic for someone that tried to end his life before his time came.
So yeah, this is the main cause of my sleeping disorder, If I am happy, unstressed and stuff, then I can sleep good.. otherwise I stay up until I literally pass out.
So, for those of you that don't know about the consequences of sleeping disorder, I'll give you an example... Sleep a little and be grouchy all day... sleep a lot and be sleepy all day... sleep many times in one day and I am grouchy and sleepy. This mixed with bipolarity, manic depression and not caring about anything; makes it nearly impossible to work...
If Im sleepy and/or grouchy and at the same time I don't care about anything; then I dont work... I'll let you know that I havent worked a single day in 3 weeks....I still have the job because the manager is helping me out, she is paying for my bills and I owe her close to 5,000 dollars already... But she is running out of money and I am not caring about getting my life straight or paying her back or bettering myself... So things are about to get really ugly for me if I don't snap out of this crap soon.... I can probably loose my internet, water, electricity and/or my apartment.
Oh and yeah... I haven't stepped out of my house in 3 weeks either... I havent shaved in days and havent showered either... I just can't seem to get myself to care. I can't find a single reason for me to care... Hell, I technically died when I overdosed and was in a coma, but they brought me back to life against my will.... how do you make someone care about life or themselves when they have given up all hope for a future?
I don't know why I haven't stepped out of my pt in 3 weeks.... I think it's because I simply don't like people and I don't want to be around them. They are all two faced and would give you up in a second if they were in trouble... All they care about is themselves and to hell with others.... I think that may be the biggest difference between me and others.... They only care about themselves, while I on the contrary; don't. Hell, I'd lay down my life for someone I liked.... the way I see it is that I'll be doing that person a favor and also doing myself a favor... save a nice person and I get to have what I want.... rest.
I am not trying to look for pity from you... I usually dont like it much when people try and cheer me up, but I do appreciate the gesture... I don't even know why I write my problems in here and then show it to others.... this bring a few questions to my mind...
Do I write to seek attention?
Do I write to vent?
Do I write so others understand me?
Do I write so others distance themselves from me?
Do I write because I am seeking pity?
Do I write so others don't feel too bad about their own lives?
Do I write to test others?
Maybe the answer is all of the above... since i thought of these questions, maybe at a subconscious level I want all of those things to be projected through this.... or maybe it is simple rambling... I don't know.... Kiwiberry described me the best... "confused"... Yes I am very confused about everything... Maybe I am just seeking a helping hand?
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Hello Curious people of the world. Not much happened today, I was kinda down the whole day, in a neutral zone you may say (hey.. rhymes)
Soooo yeah, I was just like a zombie the whole fricking day. I got random tells from my friends and I helped them out with PL or joining their party... it was... eventful. I kept getting praises today for some reason, like for example:
"You are such a nice guy, it is rare to find that nowadays"
"You are so sweet I am surprised you don't have a girl already"
And stuff like that.. I do like the praises, but they just make me act a bit akward.. I don't deal with praises that well, but I do appreciate them ^^d
I had my good mood moments and I had my depressed moments today... Seeing everyone with someone, either in game or in RL makes me a bit lonely, I start remembering what I had and what I lost, wishing I could be the one that has someone.... Say sweet things to, be loved, hugged... you know.
I think Michan thought I liked her as more than a friend it seems xD, Sorry if it seemed that way. But you know I don't mess with women that already have someone =p... I'd be no better than the rest of the world if I did, I would become what I hate... And that I cannot do =]
Anyways... I'm off to sleep (try). Night all
Friday, May 02, 2008
Yup, that was a sucky party after they told me to pull wioth ranger in it, lol...
Anyways, my depression-meter went down, and down, and down.. and with it a bit of bipolarity.... I don't know exactly what triggered it. It could be because I am jealous of other couples in game or in RL... maybe because someone I hadn't seen in ages asked me about char and I told her about it... Then maybe again it was because there is someone in the game that is playing mind games with me.
Hmmm, how to explain these 'mind-games'.... well I don't really want to get into it because she might read this and be insulted that I think she is toying with my brain =p. Let's just say that I can't make any more advances. But containing myself is also driving me crazy... almost like Im encaged in my own brain, without the freedom to do what my heart tells me.
Maybe I was down because I like a couple of ppl in the game but I can't bring myself to start drama again... so yet again, it's like a fight inside myself, I am happy wih what I have, but I want more, but if I want more, then I might just loose it all. And it isn't worth it to risk what I have now... Sorry if I am confusing /bow
Meh, and because I was down, I kinda took it out on Iruka... She was trying to cheer me up, but I just kept quiet or almost non-responsive, like one or two words answer to her... Sorry Iruka.... You got to experience first hand how I get... If you re-read firsts posts you will probably now understand what meant then... Sorry I was kinda rude too -.-... Not going to explain much of how I felt then or how I feel now because it is explained in one of the first posts of April...
Anyways.. Still kinda down, but thank you for caring /hugs