Wednesday, April 30, 2008
You're welcome Aeona ^^
Hmmmm, Too tired to think of anything to write really... Got a little depressed today, my bipolarity trigger for a little bit.
Was in a party with my PLD trying to get Merit points and it was going great... until the bard left and the said "PLD pull" lol, if you have played FFXI then you know how obsurd it is to ask a Paladin to pull mobs -.-... I mean we had a Ranger in our party! And they asked me to pull... heh...
I pulled a couple of mobs and it was ok, then some liked and I died, so I asked them... "Do you still want me to pull?" and they said yes... lol. As soon as I got raised and a bit of MP, I puulled a mob that linked with another one and everyone was like "WTF!? why are you pulling, yadda yadda!"... well I died again and another guy died too, we ended up disbanding because of me, lol....
I mean cmon, what kind of retarded idea is to have a Paladin pull mobs... So I just pulled more and more and more until they got pissed =p. That will teach them not to make a PLD ever pull again.
But they called me a retard and a n00bs, I dont really care what they think of me, but at some level it hurs you know? so yeah, that kinda got me a bit depressed. I don't really like to get ppl mad at me. But they were just asking for it =p
Also been kinda lonely, Aeona and Iruka have been busy with work and other stuff and havent been online for long, and I just can't seem to find people to talk to for long... My LS is pretty much dead, no-one in it most of the times... So I am breaking my LS Sunday, I already left them a message in it... it's not like I have been on it much anyways.
I also can't seem to find a good LS to join.. I have like5 and I don't really like any of them... I want Aeona's and Iruka', but Im not from windy, so I can't get a pearlk.. but I am not going to switch nations =p I will once I reach rank 10... cuz if I move I loose all my OP's and that would suck a lot
But yeah, just been kinda lonely lately and down a bit... oh well.... we'llsee tomorrow how it goes
Monday, April 28, 2008
Yo, back again. Maybe the pills are working after all because I haven't been depressed for a while now, not thought about hurting myself and stuff like that. But I think what is really doing the trick is my new friends.
I know I am always bitching and complaining about something or the other, so I though I'd give credit to those that deserve it, instead of passing judgement upon those that fail at life.
People that have stuck with me through these past days are great people and I care about them a lot ^^, Iruka & Aeona mainly, but I also have to include Namahana & Kiwiberry they have seen my worse and they have seen the 'best' of who I am, yet they are still there for me.
You guys rock ^^d, you hurt when I hurt and you smile when I smile and if one of us is feeling down we do our best for each other to bring a smile on our faces and forget our problems for a while... This is what I call friendship =)
Ok, so I am not depressed or suicidal at the moment and I seem to be getting better... But that doesn't mean I started to care about myself again =p I skipped work yesterday again and I probably will do it again today xD
Guys, you have supported me emotionally so I want to return some of that kindness and good will. I know you didn't do it to get something in return and that is exactly why you are getting something ^_^.
If you ever need any help, let me know and don't be afraid to ask or receive it because not only do I not mind helping, I am also looking forward to doing so.
Love ya guys
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Hail adventurer. If you have never heard of [GM]Dave and you play FFXI, then I suggest you get yourself acquainted with him.
For thes past week I have been reading [GM]Dave's blog and I have to say that it is completely hilarious, especially if you play FFXI. I find it so funny that I actually stop playing the game while looking for party and go read his blog. Yes, it is THAT good and funny. Ever wondered how a GM feels about his job, other players and the game? Ever wondered what it is like to be a GM and what they do on a daily basis? Well, he is the answer to your questions while making you laugh like you haven't done in a long time.
Google his name [GM]Dave and read it. I assure you that your day wil be much better because of it and you will thank me... But now, let us get back to my life, shall we? or should I say, someone else's.
There is this female person I have been writing about and that I mentioned gave me strenght a while back and I was going to stick with that person for a while, but then that person pretty much spat on my face knowing full well how I would take that. Remember that person a couple of weeks back?
Well she sent me a /tell today out of the blue saying she has something she has been hanging on to for me... "yay". By sheer chance I was about to enter Dynamis and couldn't talk to her (didn't feel like dealing with her anyways).
So anyways, she asks me if she can give it to me or just send it to my mog house. I reply with a simple "I thought you didn't want to talk to me or be my friend"... And yes, here comes the fun part... She says she just wanted to avoid drama. THEN she says that she has been looking for me at some place I showed her...
Ok, PLEASE someone explain to me how does this mentality work. We were friends and she promised me that we would be friends always and I went above and beyond to help her a lot... a couple of days later she starts ignoring me in hopes that I get the drift and leave her alone... I did get the drift. I knew I was probably annoying her with always being around and talking to her. So I asked her if I was annoying her and she says no....
Ok cool, she says no, so that means she was probably busy and I'm not doing anything wrong.... *bzzzz* WRONG, she did tell me this, but I can read people. She was probably trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings by saying that I was freaking her out and annoying the shit out of her and probably she wanted me to go away and get lost....
But sometimes I am wrong, so I did what I usually did and kept going like I had been, but she is completely ignoring me this time and trying to avoid me (as if I don't notice) So of course I ask her if it's true that I am not being annoying, and i get a message saying the following.
"I'd rather be left alone, I'm sry but that is the way it must be"
And of course I replied saying the following:
"Ok, thank you for replying, that is all you had to say. Thanx for keeping your promise about being friends."
And I completely left her alone, she most likely deleted me from her friendslist since I never saw her online anymore and I did the same, never talked to her and never got any /tells from her until today where she is SAYING that she had been looking for me, and not only that, but she had something she wanted to give me.
Now does any of this is making sense to you? Yes, you are probably thinking that she was probably just trying to be nice since I helped her and wanted to regain some sort of 'friendship' in which we would be 'cool' with each other.... Well, in case you haven't noticed with the story above, you HAVE to be clear about what your intentions are, otherwise I'd assume things and things will get ugly once more... If you arent clear to me I will keep acting the way I have been until you are 'man' enough to say what's on your mind and stop wasting both our times.
So of course, I told her I was going to Dynamis and I couldn't talk (didn't want to talk), I had to do something real quick in north sandy and by chance I ran past her... she did a /smile at me and I just waved and kept going because I was in a hurry and honestly I did not want to deal with her until she told me what her intentions are...
I mean... she says she wants to be alone, she wants to avoid drama, she takes me off friends list, she ignored me, she broke a promise.... and now she is saying she has been looking for me, she has something for me, she smiles at me.... Oh and here comes the fun part. She actually followed me around and kept telling me to stop so she could give me the thing. Me being in a hurry and in no mood to talk to her I told her I as in a hurry and never stopped.
Yes, I was rude. yes, I should probably have been nicer to her since she was being nice to me... but wait! when I was nice to her she kept ignoring me and avoiding me, This ladies and germs is what I like to call Karma... and eye for an eye.
Besides, she just told me she wants to avoid drama, then why the hell she talking to me? why was she looking for me? why didn't she just send the item to my mog house instead of wanting to give it to me personally?
Here is a tip. BE direct with me. If you are sorry that you acted like a prick, then tell me you are sorry. Don't just start being nice to me out of the blue. It seems you have your priorities misplaced... first you say you are sorry and then you prove it by being nice... not the other way around.
Why am I making such a big deal out of this? because she read this blog and she knew that she was the person that made me happy while I was suicidal and hurting from my ex, she knew that she was my pillar of strenght and I needed that.... when she wrote me that last message sayign she wanted to be along and broke the friendship promise... well, it broke me. My last bit of strenght went with her and I tried to suicide by taking all of my meds at once and I ended up in a coma.
You want to avoid drama? that's cool, I'm having plenty of drama in this blog about you, so maybe you should avoid any contact with me unless you apologize for being an ass to me.. then we will be cool.
I am pretty forgiving guy, maybe more than I should be because I jsut end up getting hurt again in the end. If you are cool with me I am cool with you, it's my nature.
So yeah, if that person reads this, then you know what I want... And until you are direct with me, I will keep avoiding you and ranting about it in here.
GOD I hate drama, but it seems to follow me everywhere I go. I try to avoid it, I really do...
Friday, April 25, 2008
Hmmmm.... heh Ivancloud is a dick, and asshole and a poor excuse for a human being.... yes ladies and gents, he is a manwhore. Now, before you get all defensive of the 'good guy you know'. Let me remind you of my abilities to read ppl. I think it's been incredible accurate if you know about it
How do I came to this conclusion? veeeeeeery simple, only had to talk to him a couple of times and it hit me like a shotgun shot to the brain. Now let me explain his mentality... He is super friendly to women so he can possibly get some cyber action and he doesn't give a shit what males think of him and he is often unfriendly towards them unless they are like him.
I could get into details about experiences with him, but I think our last conversation can sum it all up with out my need to get into details ^^ soooo it went like this.
/randomslap Ivancloud
Ivan~huh? what was that for?
Me~ For cybering with a married woman
Ivan~ So? it's not like I had a gun to her head. She wanted to
Me~ Maybe, but that doesnt make it morally right
Ivan~ go mind your own fucking business, You dont know me and I dont want to fucking know you
IMe~ That is one thing we have in common =)... looser
Lol I /blisted him right after that... Now yes, Maybe I should mind my own business... but you seem to have forgotten something... I HATE SLUTS!. Many people I trust have told me that he has cybered with a lot of women.... and with my experiences from the past plus his last tells to me affirm this.
If you do something morally wrong and dont regret it, then you are lower than trash and you should be made to suffer for your lack of goodwill and conscience... People like that are what makes this world a shitty place to live in... If it weren't for people like that, everyone would be happier and still have some hope left in hmanity, so why not make them suffer a bit and let them know they are not welcomed in it at all?
Now for those of you that may look down upon me for judging him, I only have one thing to say to you.... "screw you". If even after knowing how he is and what he has done, you still think he isnt at fault or is a good guy... then maybe you shouldnt read this blog or even talk to me at all... If you arent part of the solution, then you are a partof the problem. And I dont want to talk to you.
Oh and one more thing, for those of you that cybering isn't 'cheating'... How would you feel if your special someone calls a sexline everyday and jack off while listening and talking dirty to someone else?.... Or go to sleep with prostitutes instead of you?
yeah, I thought so... but Cybering is worse because you actually see the person often in the game, it's not like you can avoid them later on.... hell, even worse, they might be friends and might leave you for that cybering person..
Conclusion = Ivancloud is not a good person and I hate sluts in all shapes and forms.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
He never bleeds and he never fucks, and he never leaves cuz he's got bad luck.
xD!!! Ok 2 stories, first one pissed me off and the next one jsut made my whole damn day so much better, lol!!!
Ok today was my first day doing a Dynamis run ^__^ we were kicking ass and I died a few times, but it was all good lol, until I got D/C from the game... and the internet was down for HOURS like 7 hours. oh man I was so pissed, later I foud out that the piece of AF I needed dropped twice!! Not only that but they won the Dynamis and I needed that -.-...
Grrr, Im gonna sue that internet company for permanent psychological damage and trauma, lol
Ok, now for the part that made my day. I didn't think I would be able to be so mean and uncaring, but it felt DAMN good. You all know me as the nice guy that has a good sense of humor and etc, etc, etc.. you have never had an example of me when I go 'Squall-mode" So I'm going to type word for word what me and my ex (charlene) talked about...lol!
Char~ Hi, How are you?
Me~ Pissed at my internet -.-... I spent 2 hours in Dynamis and just now it got back on =/...Missed 2 AF drops and completion of the run >.<... u?
Char~ Ouch that sux, well mnk12 so far lol but already opend a ls shells sux over here
Me~ lol, sure ur not gonna stay there? :p... I get feelings and they are mostly right >.>
Char~ nope Ill play on both servers. just made a mule here, midnightmist transfered so I followed... Well not followed but thought about and made a mule over here
Me~ aaaaah ok, cyber buddies? lol
Char~ Hmmm dificult to say... thats a reason y I need a break from phoenix
Me~ lol, then thats a yes ^^. meaning, done it b4 lol
Char~ well could also be I try but get blocks lol
Me~ *shakes head* lol, u just dont learn xD...I had hoped that u would had learned and stopped the cybering (which is the reason y u taking break from phoenix)
Char~ Well everyone has his needs and pet thingys lol....Im still not rly over u if u want me to be honest + I like someone else on phoenix also, so rly hard feeling chaos atm
Me~ yeah, heard u like demonwolf, lol
Char~ Demonwolf and Ninjie and Midnight and Hollow and slix and pitbullz (who quit) and sevaut and you.... But 2 of them I like very.... and well demon wont work, cuz he is too young but its fu to flirt with him... Oh I forgot evil and merc which are brothers what would make things to difficult
Me~ lol ur such a slut xD
Char~ thank you ^^ well see I told them all that I dont want a bf atm so it is ok
Me~ lol, told u I hate sluts, one of the first things I said to you actually b4 we got together ^^
Char~ The word slut can be meaning more things, a slut is for me who does everything secret and uses ppl for they needs only, at least Im honest.
Me~ lol, slut is someone that sleep with a lot of ppl just for pleasure not for love...thought its really great knowing cI lost my virginity to you.... thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the most sacred thing I had =)
Char~ And I definitely wont meet anyone in rl again. thats for sure besides ninjie one day for a drinking weekend... I loved you, dont forget that pleaseI did a mistake and I apologized more than once
Me~ Whatever... lol ninjie told me in /tell that he thought you were ugly as hell xD but good luck xD
Char~ well if u think im ugly y did u sleep then with me? and y are you talking to ppl about me? isnt that mine and ppls business?... I mean I could tell everyone also that you are lazy and always slept at days
Me~ Lol I tried to kill myself, think I care? xD... he told me in /tell I didnt say anything to him about u xD and I slept with you because I loved you, but I guess that is too much of a concept for you
Char~ No but I rly think u need a doctor cuz of that and some ppl from ur ls talked to me and said the same, and I dont mean that in a bad way.
Me~ I am seeing a doctor, but I dont really care about my life or what people think of me, much less what YOU think of me... I was starting to get over the pain you caused and it has been good without you, and now Im stating to feel the pain again. So yeah, you make me want to kill myself.
Char~ U cant expect from someone to be faithful over this distance, and I told u at the start how much I need sex, not want but need. but you only think of about yourself no matter what and dont even tried to understand.
Me~ whatever...
Char~ I cant cheat in a game btw cuz it is a game and just pixels if ppl meet like we did that is rl
Me~ Im not interested in your explanations, go talk to a wall
Char~ It is no explanation, I wanna help you to see the different between game and real cybering and flirting online and real
Me~ uh huh, what part of "I dont care what people think of me" did you not udnerstand? I dont care... I D-O-N-T C-A-R-E. Stop talking to me and go masturbate while they take your kids away you slut.
Char~ Ouch...
Lol after that I blocked her ^^... can you believe her nerve? lol. She says I dont try to udnerstand, (which isnt true, cuz I tried to change a lot for her and udnerstand her) but if it is, then she isnt trying to understand me either =p.
Also the part where how can I expect someone to be faithful with the distance? hell, I was faithful, wasnt hard at all... Also before I even got together with her I told her I dont cyber and that I dont like to waste my time, I made her promise me never to cheat, it is the only way I will go out with her... She knew I wouldnt give her the sex she 'needed' and she promised me that she could control herself and not cheat..... yeah right..
I might have been a bit over the line with the 'kids' comment, but the truth is... they would be better off without her... They deserve a mother that isnt a druggie, drunk, sexaholic... I mean, how do you think they will turn out?... Besides, I said it for many reasons..
1~ so she stops liking me. I really do hate sluts and Im done with all this drama crap, dont need her being all bothering me and shit, reminding me of the pain... I do that enough to myself without her constant reminder
2~ so maybe.. MAYBE she realizes that it is just wrong to be a slut and her kids future should take precedence over her own selfish needs for pleasure. really doubt she will thought.
3~ So it is perfectly clear to her that I want nothing to do with her... like I said, I hate to waste my time.
Anyways, I have made this post long enough... lol. Yeah maybe I was an asshole and over the line and a bad person.... thing is... I dont care anymore xD... when will you guys learn and believe me? lol.... I actually needed to yell at her, I had it bottled inside and it just made me feel better ^^.
Oh yes, and I do hope she feels like shit... only way she will learn (if she is willing to)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Yo, still here. Hmm, not much to say other than in the end after I wrote the last post I took a nap... and didn't go to work xD. Oh well, my manager got pissed at me and I felt bad a bit, but not for too long... I wonder when is it that I became so uncaring about things ... hmm who knows.
I really don't have much to write, I am almost the last lvl in FFXI which makes me happy, and tomorrow I have my first Dynamis run and Im kind of excited about that ^^... I havent really been able to connect with people completely in the game lately, a couple of hello's here and there and a few minutes of small talk, but nothing too dramatic.
Hmmm I am sleepy and bored, supposed to work in 5 hours... lol, lets see if I go this time -.-.
Some time next month I got to go to the mental health facility again and I will be there literally al day, from 9am to 4pm most likely. Supposed to take tests for 3 hours, then interviews and some other bullcrap. In reality I got no idea what Im going to do really, lol.
I'm supposed to take these meds for a whole month before they take effect, but I dont even remember when I stared taking them =/... time is just so... I dont know how to say it.... it's all bunched together and everyday is the same, almost as if days are hours or even years of my life. Don't really know how to describe it more clearly
Bah, nothing interesting really, just thought I'd write something to let those that care about me, know that I am still kicking it.
Tchuss!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Yawn.. I'm about to pass out and Im mellow, plus I gotta work in 3 hours -.-... I'll try to make it simple (emphasis on the word "try")
By popular demand (and by that I mean by the only request I have had) I will try to summarize my past, the one that has shaped me to be who I am today... but first, 2 more strange coincidences between me and Kurt Cobain that I found out yesterday.
He Overdosed trying to kill himself 10 days ago but on a different year obviously (about 7 days before I did the same thing)
He killed himself when he was 27,.. I am 26 now.
So ok.. onward to satisfy the nosy papparazzi (you).. This is pretty pesonal and if you aren't interested, just don't read it, plain and simple. no-one is making you do so.
So ok, as a child under 6 years old, my father used to hit me with belts and stuff, I only remember one of those times, but my mother told me he did it pretty often. My mom got tired of the situation and divorced him and she took me with her to Venezuela, where she was born and had family.
Now I never remember her beating me or mistreating me verbally, but she just wasn't around that much. I didn't speak spanish so I was pretty lonely from the start. Eventually I learned the language and it became the main language I spoke for years to come and I forgot English eventually.
As a kid I was always by myself, one or two friends at school that I can remember and that was about it... when I was 10 or so I moved to a unisex school, where there were only boys. It was pretty cool actually, but near impossible to get a girlfriend or even see or talk to a girl.
On a summer vacation camp I met a beautiful girl named Janeen and I completely fell for her, we hung out and stuff and helped her with things, they also had this wedding events where couples would get 'married' and I asked her to marry me on it and she accepted. When the time came for us to get 'married', she never showed up.. when I finally saw her, she said she had been sleeping. I cried and cried and we never spoke since then.
Then at 12 or so I went to a private school that had boys and girls. From the start I was always akward and never spoke to girls, just became too nervous to do so, but I did have a couple of crushes. One day I decided to declare myself on a letter with letters cut out from newspapers and magazines and gave it to her saying that a friend of mine had told me to give it to her. She just laughed because she knew it had been me that made it and well, I became so shy that I just distanced myself from them even more. Eventually I became such a loner that I became the 'weird' super tall guy from the class that wasn't cool or didn't have any friends. I was pretty poor so I didn't have nice clothes either.
So soon I became picked on and made fun of, they gave me the name nickname of "cowboy" because I was from the USA and had an american name... at the start of each day when I went into the claassroom they all started to whistle the "typical wild west theme" in mockery. The only people that were my frirends, were the other uncool people or nerds that got picked on as well and weren't accepted by the cool guys. Ofcourse that didn't help me not to get picked on.
It got so bad that on gym classes they pulled down my pants in front of the whole class and things like that. But I was too nice to do anything about it. I was the tallest guy in the class, yet I was the most easy going and peace loving guy in it that hated to hurt others. Eventually one day I snapped and got into a fight and kicked their ass... It had them leave me alone for a while, but not stop completely. I fought probably 5 times in highschool, but it never really stopped until my last year of school.
At 17 I discovered the Internet and began chatting and stuff, and foud out I am not so shit when I am not around people personally. I met a 15 year old girl and we became BF/GF, We lived in the same town so we hooked up and we were together for 6 months,
Then one day she tells me her real age... 12 years old. I was shocked, but didn't break up, I loved her too much for a simple age difference to mater... or atleast I thought so. Shortly after that she broke up with me saying that I wasn't her type... I think the truth is because I was too shy to have sex with her... but whatever.
I cried for days and was so depressed that I failed 5 subjects in highschool and almost had to repeat my last year... But I passed the summer tests and graduated. At that time 9/9/1999, FFVIII came out and I became obssesed with it, specially with Squall.. we had so much in common, we were both 17, we were loners, shy, didn't want to love again because it meant getting hurt when they left you...
My mother then sent me to live with my father in the USA because the way of life was better and I immediately joined the Army to be more like Squall, but I joined the reserves because I would like to go back to Venezuela and see my friends and family. I lived in the middle of nowhere and the only job close was at a gas station.
One day I came to work and a detective was waiting for me, he took me into the office and said he had a tape of me stealing money from the register... Im like wtf!? So I ask him to show me the tape and I could try to explain what happened, cuz I never steal. But he refused to and I was fired at the spot... So I got lazy and just stayed at home playing videogames. all the guys around my age were potheads or were in college or working, so I could only relate to kids and play videogames with them.
My father and the kids parents accused me of being a phedophile saying that it wasn't right for a 19 year old guy to have 10-12 year olds in my room. Soon there after he kicked me out of the house because I didn't have money to pay the rent. He made me pack all my shit in trashbags and drove me to a run down motel in a highway in the middle of nowhere. He paid for a weeks worth in there and left me saying "Don't forget, we are family".
I was devastated.. I called my mother crying and begging her to let me go back with her to Venezuela, but she said no... So here I was, in the middle of nowhere, no family, no money, no job, no friends and I barely spoke the language. I slept 16 hours a day, cried when I was awake, ate nothing but 3 slices of bread a day and water from the sink, I took showers and did laundry in the sink, my excrement (shit) turned green for some reason.... That was the first time I thought about suiciding... just walk up to the highway and wait for a car to come at high speed and just jump in front of it... Only reason I ddin't do it was because I had a litle 5 year old brother back in Venezuela and I loved him as if he was my own kid. I did not want him to find out about me dying, specially a suicide. So I kept myself alive...
When the week was over my father came and took me to a homeless shelter in town. I worked 8 hours in the kitchen, serving meals, making food, cleaning dishes, eventually I found a job at a supermarket stocking groceries and rode a bike from the shelter to it. It was about 10 miles everyday... So I worked 16 hours a day and slept the rest. Here is where my sleep disorder began. Too tired but too many things in my mind, I wanted to have fun and not just work all the time, so I played videogames until I passed out.
One day my father came to me crying because her wife had left him and took their kids with her. He asked me to go live with him again... out of pity and wanting to better my live style, I agreed.... wrong move.. a couple of months later he kicked me out again and I returned to the same homeless shelter. At this point in my life, all the trust I had towards people and 'family' was gone...
I found a library close by and I went online and joined a forums, there I met another girl and I fell in love once more, only one problem... she lived in England... I had to meet her, so I went active duty in the Army and asked to put me in the closest location to England. That is how I ended up in Germany.
Once in Germany I waited until I had enough money and got me a plane ticket, I flew to England to meet her.... but she never saw me. I only met her mother who turned me away and said that she wanted nothing to do with me... To this day I don't understand why... maybe she got freaked because I actually went to see her? maybe she thought I'd be one of those "predators" that had become famous on the internet for raping people they met online?... Who knows... But that is when I turned on Squall mode completely.
Trust no-one, love no-one, no friends, complete and absolute loner... I didn't mind it much because Videogames made me happy, plus I had joined a FFVIII RP forums where I role played with others. Soon I became and Admin of the forums and everything was great... Until yet again... I fell in love... I couldn't help it, the RP had become real love and she loved me back. It was great this time, I even went to see her in England (where she lived) and we had a good time, I spent xmas and new years there, about 2 weeks there I spent, hung out with her and her friends.... only one problem... she wasn't of age yet. We didn't have sex or anything, I wouldn't have sex with an under age person, So we just waited until she was of age.... but that time never came.
Her parents found out about me and freaked thinking I would rape her or kill her or something... saying it was wrong for a 20+ y/o to be with minors. So they separated us.. I tried to make things work, but they didn't. I was then sent to Iraq for the war and there was no way for us to talk until much later when internet became available on the camp. But even then she couldnt be online long because of school and her parents and my job and the hour difference.
I could talk with her best friend and we had good times online talking... she started to fall for me.... And I have to say I began to like her even more than my gf ... I should of have stopped it, but I needed someone to talk to while in Iraq, and she was it. my GF wasnt allowed to speak with me and we never talked anymore, while everything was better with her best firend.. so I kinda started to double date online... Yeah. I won't try to justify it, it was mean and selfish and inconsiderate... I couldn't help my feelings... My conscience had gotten so bad and the army was pissing me off, it was just too much stress, so I just broke it off with both of them... Once again.. it was selfish, but I couldn't handle the guilt and the stress of Iraq.
On another forums, there was a girl that was a good friend of mine and she as going through the same exact thing as I was. I found comfort in her and we began to fall for each other... we felt so alike and had so much in common. I needed someone to talk to and she was there, she was perfect. she went to college, she was nice, she never had sex before either, beautiful in body and soul and we were complete soul mates that complimented each other perfectly... First time I was truly happy and guilt free with someone else.
One morning I wake up and fell asleep and next thing I knew I was on my way to a helicopter to get medevac out of the camp... I had an IV in my neck... It seems that I had passed out and fell into some sort of short coma (for more on that story check the blog around September-November 2004)
So they sent me back to Germany for some tests and what not and while there my GF had serious throat problems, it got to the point where she couldnt talk and barely breathe, so they were going to operate her. On that weekend I escaped the medical center and got me a ticket to England to see her (yes, she lived in England as well) and be by her side as she went into operation. unfortunately when I got to her home, there was nobody there... it turns out that they had already left for the hospital,... So I walked to every hospital in town and asked if she was there.... no, she wasn't... My plane back to Germany was due so I had no option but to go back to the medical center before I was considered AWOL.
The operation went well and I was sent back to Iraq because they couldn't find anything wrong... Back in Iraq we continued talking and she began to black out out of the blue while ont he streets.. It turns out that she had a larger heart than most people and she would have to have an operation for that too or she could die soon. I began to go crazy because I couldn't be with her as she was so scared and the Army just kept pissing me off more and more, even threatening to take away my internet time (for more details read more around the end/beginning of 04/05).
She got so weak that she was on a wheelchair because not enough blood was pumping to her legs... She went to have an operation and she died on the operating table multiple times, but they kept bringing her back to life... in the end, they had done all they could for her... It got to the point where all that mattered was her and screw the Army that couldn't understand what we were going through...
Finally back in Germany I called her everyday and she sang to me songs from evanescence, we even sang songs together... I would of have to see her, but the Army wouldn't let me, so I was stuck with just internet and phone calls...
One night she calls me... she is crying... the doctors gave her 1 week to live... she was so scared and crying... the sweetest girl going through this... going to die, facing her death... just Imagine.............. Knowing you are going to die so young............ I asked her to marry me over the phone, it was the only thing I could do for her, I wanted her to have our kids and if she died she would of have left some proof of her existance... some proof of our love....
2 weeks later I get a text message from her sister... "Claire Roberts died in her sleep last night". I broke... I'm still broken... I didn't care about anything anymore... nothing else mattered, no reason for anything. I didn't care about my well being, or no-one elses for that matter... My mind shut down and I was numb, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt wake up, I had thoughts of killing myself and joining her in death... But I knew she wanted me to live and be happy. that was my only motivation... live the life she couldn't live.
I asked to get kicked out of the Army early, but they wouldn't let me. I just got worse and worse until I didn't care about the Army or punishment anymore, they wouldn't help me, understand me or have some compassion, then fuck them... I finally got out of the Army one month before I was supposed to, General discharge under honorable conditions (after much fighting for it).
Back to the civilian world, I was a complete loner, my mind shattered and so lost once more. Jobs weren't really that important to me so I took the easiest ones that paid enough to pay my bills and survive. I didn't want to be hurt like that again, so kept my distance from women, even if it meant being rude to them, I didn't care... But ofcourse... then came the Internet once more... I could be rude to women in RL, but I couldn't hurt nice ones online. It just isn't me... So a friend online and I started to like each other and I was planning on moving to her state as soon as I had the money to do so.
She was very religious and her family even owned a church, she was the nicest and kindest person you could ever have met, beautiful too,she reminded me of Claire a bit in those aspects (except the religious one) Full of energy all the time, always trying to cheer me up and be there for me when I got depressed to snap me out of it, and she could always bring a smile to my face...
She later told me that she had a weak heart.... She was having an operation to get herself a pacemaker, she assured me that it was safe and that a lot of people had them done, not only that but God would take care of her....I began to worry sick about her and scared as hell, but the operation went fine, but she was weak because of it... But my mind didn't stop from being worried, I already nknew the cruelty of these things and didn't expect her to be fine at all. She was so religious that she went to 'spiritual healers' and stuff.
I get an Email from her sister... "Madison died in her sleep, her pacemaker failed to activate"..........................I Why in the world would God do this? not to me....but to kind people? good people die and he leaves the fucked up ones alive... he leaves me alive... to deal with this... I lost all the little bit of faith I had. I tried to overdose on some pills, but all it did was make me feel sick and throw up a lot. I was just left here in the world to suffer some more,.. We were never technically engaged, but I still consider her a fiancee, because I would of have proposed to her sooner or later and she would of have accepted more than likely
Sigh... soon afterwards I got evicted from my apartment because I didnt have enough money to pay the rent (I didn't care about anything, not even myself then so I didn't work much) But with the help of my manager I got another apartment and pulled through somehow. I alienated myself from the world in that apartment. Not even forums interested me anymore, only going home and playing some videogames, just stay away from people the most I could... Then came FFXI. An online game that I played and still play everyday.
One day out of the blue, a friend from the game told me that she liked me a lot and wanted to go out with me... I honestly did not want to get involved again, but I said what the hell, I'll give it another try... So we started dating in game and I even proposed to her to marry me in it the 1st of January of 2008, I really liked her and was falling for someone again. She lived in Germany and had 2 kids, but we were the same age and I didn't really care, I'd take the kids as my own if it comes down to that.
Our relationship was pretty rocky at best, she had a lot of problems with the goverment and was stressed out most of the times plus she got jealous really easy, But I was willing to make this relationship work, no matter what it took. I had already lost too many people I love and Iwasn't about to give up on someone else that was nice, I wanted to help her and help her kids. Make those worries and stresses go away and make her life a happy one for her and her kids.
The relationship was failing so I pulled some money out of my ass and got me a ticket to Germany to spend a week with her and make thing work, everything was good and I even lost my virginity to her (more details on that, look for posts of this month). hell I even got so scared of loosing her that I stayed another 20 days and risked loosing my job and partment, but Nothing else matters to me more than love.
Once back to the states I had a lot to deal with as you may have read already this month including her finding out she had cancer in her head... That was it.. I was cursed with something where all the people I love die... got really depressed and even slit my wrists when she broke up with me for a little bit, in an attempt to take my life.
Everything was just too much to handle... failed relationships, dead fiancees, too much betrayal and hurt... I just wanted it all to end....
Then she tells me that she had been cheating on me online and also in RL and I broke up with her..
And now today, I still want to die... I lost faith in people... I realized most of the world doesn't give a shit about me, I give kindness, I sacrifice a lot, I help others, I am nice to others, I give second chances, I care for others, I am willing to put my feelings aside to make someone happier.. And it just isn't worth it... None of it is.... friends that care about me today will forget about me tomorrow. No-one is willing to udnerstandme except a few persons.... And even then, those persons are just fated to stop talking to me some day.
I mean, after everything I've been through.... is it really worth it? is it worth to risk it all once more just to get backstabbed and betrayed? Is it worth loving again just to have them hurt you or have them die? Is this what life is all about? just suffering endlessly? If that is the case, then I don't want any of it.... Even if others are hurt by my death, I don't care... call me selfish or whatever.
The truth is that people will leave you and forget you sooner or later, so why not just save all the drama and suffering now? I know there is a chance that life will get better, but I don't believe it, I've thought life would get better many times before and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Things have gotten to a point where I dont even want to better myself, like say get a better job, or get a car. nothing matters really... In the end we all die, right?
This is me ladies and gentlemen... This is my life and my thoughts... just another human being in this overpopulated world... And now if you excuse me I have to get ready for work in 30 minutes and I havent slept yet and doubt I will.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Ok, guess I'll get my ass to post what happened, (rejoice nosy people around the world)
I took my whole bottle of hydrocodone and downed it with some left over rum I had from new years. Now the plan was to get myself so numb that I wouldn't feel much when I cut myself and then pass out as I bled (Yeah, call me whatever u want, call me emo, think I care at this point what people think? If I cared you wouldn't have been given this link)
Now here is when the plan fell apart... I wasn't expecting to throw up >.< I should have, but my mind wasn't quite focused when I did this =p. So I got myself to the toilet and after throwing up I passed out, or atleast that is what I remember...
Next time I wake up with the biggest headache ever and tired as hell, stomach was hurting too of course. Turns out that my manager came by the house to see if I needed food and she found me passed out and couldn't wake me up. So I was taken to the hospital where I was in a coma for a day or so.
Got some councelor and whatnot bugging me and ppl watching over me at all times... most of the time I just slept some more. aroud midnight they gave me the choice of going home under house arrest or staying at the hospital. So I just chose the house arrest thing =p
So yeah, I came back and I'm home being watched by someone at all times (hate the lack of privacy btw). Oh talking about privacy, seems I damaged my liver a bit and I've been pissing blood (yeah yeah, TMI I know, but you know me).
But anyways, I am home and been doing Su Doku all fricking day and I am bored as hell without FFXI. I got no new games and nothing is really interesting online, so yeah... I might just go online and play a bit... And by play I mean sit around doing nothing in game...
I've been kind of putting off going back to FFXI cuz I told my LS's that I was quitting the game and also cuz I know I'm just gonna get yelled at by people -.-.... probably lost a bunch of friends cuz of what happened. So I'm not really looking forward to going back and being judged.
But I guess sooner or later I have to go, so might as well get it over with... Thank you for writting 'Koty' and those 2 people that left me messages on POL \.. /bow... again, sorry to bother you with this crap and make u worry.
Peace.
I'm still alive -.-.... blah... Now I know how Claire was feeling when her heart failed multiple times at the hospital and they kept bringing her back to life... She just wanted them to leave her dead...
I just got home and still drowsy from the overdose, the coma and new meds. I'll write more later I guess.... *sigh*
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Nothing fancy this time. plain and simple. I just took my whole bottle of meds and downed it with alcohol, as soon as I feel myself drowsy and numb I'll slash my wrists again to get the job done right this time. Sooo yeah. Im dead.
Whew... that was bad... post below this one. It didnt fully load, so I guess the word limit was reached or sumtin... hmmm. but yeah, that is as bad as it gets pretty much. I wish people who call themselves "friends" would see that it isn't my fault that I am bipolar, or that sometimes I can't control myself as well as my thoughts and actions.
I just ask for a little patience and understanding X.x.. unless I am too insignificant for you to care about, or you are too good to even speak to me.... me, a fellow human being. If you know me, you know I like to help people and I am nice most of the times... cant I ask for a little something in return? something like caring? something like trying to understand? you know..... take a tiny bit of your precious time to say "hello! how are you today?"
You know what I mean, sometimes you are waiting on airships or on parties and are getting aggravated because it takes so long.... why not use that time to drop a few words to make sure I am not dying or something? See if I am in a good mood and I will actually make you smile instead of getting aggravated or depressed.
Bah! Whats the use of even rambling? You guys obviously do whatever you want without regard of some faceless person that just types words. It's not like you can see me cry or laugh, noi like you can hug me or slap me, right? Maybe some of you think that way... and if that is the case... well, I gotta say.... I may be going crazy, but I am a better human being than you are.
And maybe the one that should be going crazy is you people, and not me.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
.. I am done. I don't know if this will be a farewell post or not... all I know is that I am done with it all.... I allowed myself to like someone else because they made me happy.... only to feel anguish when ignored until the truth came out that she has someone.
She feels like me about love and being loyal to someone and kind enugh to not wanting to upset them if they can help it.... So I know there is no chance for us and I'm not even going to try. The last thing I want is for her to become one of those that cheat because that would just destroy her inside... I know... it has happened to me.... She is still my 'friend' and that is ok, but I can't go and look at her and not think what if, and I don't know if someday my biolarity will take over and I will start to try to make her like me more than him. Might loose her friendship.
I am content with being in good terms with her and I do wish her and him the best, I really do. Which is why I am disappearing and alienating myself from her... I'd rather take on all the suffering and let her be happy. It's not like she needs me like I need her as a pillar of strength... so it's ok.
Gah... I hate crying... done that too much already.... and meds aren't working today so I can't be happy artificially either.. I am tired of it all... Why do I have to feel so much for others? I wish I was an asshole and not care at all about others
I was going to write her to read blog and tell her that I am most likely going to end up like Kurt Cobain... but tht would of have made her upset and might have distanced us even more. I'd rather she care enough about me as to read this once she wonders what happened to me... if she does that is.
I am too messed up emotionally to be any good to her anyways.... I've suffered too much hurt and betrayal and I have lost that happy person I once was... All I would do around her like this is just be depressed.... She is rich, has 2 degrees, she is beautiful, she is funny and she is happy now.... I am the complete opposite of that... Im poor, no college education, don't think Im pretty and I am not happy at all.
You know what the worst part about being me is?.... I know how people think and feel... it is an ability I have. I can tell when someone is annoyed, happy, sad, mad... I know when they think they wish I'd go away, stop bothering them or when I am not welcomed.... and if I like that person, it really stings me in the heart. If I was a normal person I would probably leave them alone.. but I don't know what it is about me that I wish I am wrong and don't leave them alone anyways.... It ends up making them not like me or even hate me, then it hurs more.
So yeah... I am done... I just want someone to care for me.... I miss that feeling and I know that is the only thing that makes me happy.... I know. I've had 2 fiancees die. I thought I would be able to be happy without that... but I can't, it's been almost 5 years Since Claire died and almost 3 since Madison did... bwtween those years I have not felt true happiness unless I was with someone, like I did with Christin.
I give up on finding that someone or looking for happiness, even if that person appeared I dont think I would be able to be completely happy because I would wonder when is she going to die? when is she going to cheat on me? when is she going to get tired of me?.... And if that happens, then I would be suffering like now or even more. I can't handle that suffering anymore. It is just too much to handle alone and for so long. I have reached my breaking point and the slightest push will take me to the end.
I am sorry for disappearing, I really am, I wish I was normal and could overlook not being liked as more than just a friend... I have tried, believe me... but I can't... it's the way I am and this is the only way that will make thing ok for everyone in the long run...
Just be happy in my place, ok? have twice as much joy as you would in my place. Have what I couldn't have and probably will never have. At least one person that in nice and feels like me should have what they deserve and have a good life....
Take care.
Chris
Hmm... not getting any better. Today I suddenly realized something.... I am exactly like Kurt Cobain and I can very likely end up the same way he did... OUr youth was so similar and also our illness and way we act... I will detail a bit more for those of you that are unaware of my youth and his.
His parents got divorced when he was 7 and they lived separetely, he went to live with his mother.
My parents got divocrved when I was 6 and I went to live with my mother in Venezuela.
This make him more secluded from everyone and even hated his parents..
I became more secluded from everyone and to this day hate my parents.
He later went to live with his father and then with his mother who kicked him out of the house.
I went to live with my father and he kicked me out of the house and my mom refused to have me back.
He was homeless for a few months after that.
I lived in a homeless shelter for a few months after that
He found peace in playing music with his guitar but couldnt find anyone that liked what he did.
I found peace in videogames and couldnt find people that liked what I did.
He got picked on by everyone because he was friends of a gay person and he himself was labeled gay.
I got picked on by everyone because I was friends with the 'nerds and unpopular' and I was labeled nerd and uncool.
He found love and it made him the happiest he had ever been.
I foudn love and it makes me the happiest I've ever been.
He had a stomach problem that depressed him a lot because he didn't know what was wrong with him for years.
I had kidney stones and it depressed me a lot because I didnt know what was wrong with me for years.
He began to use painkillers and other drugs to numb his physical pain as well as mental.
I am using painkillers to numb my physical and mental pain.
He tried to suicide a few times.
I thought about suicide a long time ago and recently sliced my wrists.
He was bipolar and manic depressive.
I am bipolar and manic depressive.
There are many more, but those are the most important ones... lately I have been looking more and more like he did, I mean in clothing and in appearance.... wrinkled clothing and long uncared for hair as well as letting the beard grow... There are just so many signals and things that are so alike that it's almost scary, but at the same time it's is relieving to know someone that has gone through the same things I have.
In his final days he dealed with the stress of the media, in these last days I've been dealing with dead loved ones or breakups... a year ago I started to really listen to his music a lot and I love the sound as well as lyrics. I can hear the pain in his voice as he sings the songs.... I also sing it the same way and feel the same pain as I chant very word of his songs....
As you may know, Kurt disappeared from everyone he knew for a few days and then killed himself with a shotgun. He left a letter that I would like to quote...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk%
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Meh, Today I was pretty happy and mellow thanx to meds, but then all of a sudden... CRASH! All that happiness went to hell. This bipolarity shit is tough man... And in most days it seems that I have to endure it alone...
Well I guess I am to blame if I have to go through it alone, I tend to alienate myself when I start to get in one of those depressive episodes.. remember, it's a self defense things that triggers automatically, think of it as an airbag in cars... when the car crashes, the airbags are beployed to save your life. Same thing here.
There were people that cared for a little bit about me, asked me if I was sad or if I am alright... those people that did that made me happy just for showing their care by asking what is wrong... hell, just for talking to me when I don't start the conversation... But I guess I either pushed them away or they got bored with me, got tired of asking caring or something.
Yeah I understand that... but too bad I don't have the privilege to ignore or forget myself like they do... they live their happy lives while I continue on the road to madness...
But that is just the tip of the iceberg, I don't know what is worse.. those people or me.... I realize I am saying things I shouldn't say, but I still say them,.. in my mind I am kicking myself in the head as my chest presses harder and harder making it very tough to breathe. I know I fucked up with my words and there is no taking it back or making things like they used to.
Trust me... I don't mean to say those words -.-... I may be thinking them, but I am not thinking straight until it is too late to hold my mouth shut... I wonder who is to blame... the people, the meds or me?
Bah! lol... think I might have over done it >.<... Sometimes I have a hard time separating being nice with being liked. But I still had to know, just hope it can be seen that I am fine with whichever path we take. You know what I am talking about, we had a party last night and I might have over stepped some boundaries.
I want to make something clear, I am happy with what I have now and I don't want to complicate things... So whichever way we go is fine with me as long as we don't distant ourselves from each other...
Yup, I am speaking in riddles and only the person that I am talking about will be able to figure out what I am talking about... and that is the whole point of why I am writting this way :p
Hmmm, maybe it's not the time, maybe I'm just not what is needed; whichever the case, I understand, so no worries.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Today was Kristie day ^^ We just ran around all over the place getting her the AF she needed xD... I would write more but she doesn't like to attract attention :p so that is all I'll write (wonder if I should of even written about her at all, hmmm. oh well, ppl in game don't know her RL name anyways :P)
Other than spending most of my day helping her out, I did nothing o.o... Just haven't been in the mood for anything really. I think that once I reach lvl 75 in the game I am going to take a break from it. maybe a few days, maybe a week. Maybe I'll just slow down playing.... I've been playing since July 1st 2007 and my play time is 97 days....so pretty much this last 10 months, I've spent 3+ months straight playing this game. It might be time indeed for a break.
Ok now, it seems some people don't understand bipolarity completely, soooo I'll give you a link to click and u can read about it and I'll explain which kind I have...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
I have the ultra-ultra rapid cycling, which means extreme mood swings within 23-48 hours, I could go from feeling absolutely great and perfect to feeling completely worthless
I also have the mayor depressive episode symptoms most of the time (almost constant) And when I have the manic episodes I go through the same symptoms as well... which is pretty much having delusional ideas and stuff (never had the rage thing. Never get violent so dont worry about that :p)... And I might be entering the psychosis state already... Now for hypomania, I have that almost all the time in RL, specially the laughing at things one wouldn't find funyy. Like for example when I said I pissed off the ppl at the mental health facility because I was smiling all the time while in reality I should be sad or something.
Now lets get to the fun part and explain psychosis a little bit, shall we?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosis
Now I don't have the hallucinations but I do have delusional thinking some times, thought disorder, and stuff... now I haven't been diagnosed this, but sometimes it has happened to me. If you want to know how a bipolar person of this type think and feels... well lemme tell u that you a\have come to the right place :)
I feel like there is a constant battle withing my brain, it never shuts down unless I am at peace with myself and it makes it almost impossible to sleep or think straight. The battle that rages inside my head is pretty much as to what I should do or shouldn't do. It's like after all the crap in my likfe that I went through, my brain created another me that isn't kind nor friendly to like the extreme. So there is my old self and my new self..
Sometimes my new self comes on when I am hurt and it doesnt care about others feelings, it's all about me, me and me. But at the same time my mind is telling me that it is wrong, but my actions and words are oblivious to my thought and in the end when I am back to normal, I feel like complete crap.
Now let me remind you.. this isn't voluntary and I can't control it by myself. bipolarity also cannot be cured... however it can be treated with medication (lithium is the med of choice) So I want you to remember this one bit because it is very important.
"The real me that you know, the kind one; cares about you a lot and would never want to see you hurt... But the other me is different and doesn't care about anyone but myself and will do and say anything to self-protect my feelings if I am depressed or in a bad mood."
Yes, I know it sounds like an excuse to be able to hurt people and get away with it... but it really isn't... All I want in life in the end is to be happy, and I can't be happy if I hurt others feelings or if they hate me =/
Now you know how I think when I am having a bad episode and now I leave you to think about it and how I've acted lately... And now I go play some more.
Tchuss!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
She's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cuz that is just ridiculous
I feel drowzy all time time, and today is no exception. Had a nice talk with Charlene today. She finally decided to talk about what had happened. She was trying to figure out why she hurt me like she did and she just thinks that she is too sex addicted to be faithful on a serious relationship, specially a long distance one.
She also said that she still liked me but that she knew I was looking for something else and she apologized for hurting me even after all I had done for her... It's ok is all I could think of saying back to her. I have had time to think about the situation and well I don't hate her... I just can't. It doesn't mean that I still like her like a lover, but she is a good person inside, and I can't help but be friend with people that are good, even if it's well hidden.
She also wanted my address to send the things I left there with her, but I told her no, they are just material things and what mattered were the memories and feelings. Things get lost, but not what you have experienced. I find it funny how people remember pain and hurt more than they remember joy, myself included.
Well, as conclusion to this, I am just glad that she is talking to me again, I really didn't want to just let our friendship fade away, there might never be a future for us as couple, but that doesnt mean we can't be there for each other emotionally. The past is the past and that is where it should stay.... Our past may shape us as a person, but it doesn't control our future.
Edit~ Almost forgot... talked to Nama's today too and as it turns out she has experience with bipolar people and stuff, and to our surprise, her game BF also cheated on here and stuff in her own words "we were going through almost the exact same thing"... It just feels good to have people to talk to about my problems and they don't mind too much... I promise I'll try to not make it an every day thing :p
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Hmmm don't know where to start writting... Guess I'll start from the docs appointment.
Went to talk to the psychologist and as always my walls came up around them. It's automatic I can't help it.. how to explain... I keep things to myself unless they ask about them, which they don't know about them oin the first place so it makes it hard for them to 'help me' (not that I think they can). But this guy seemed to ask the right questions and he got me to open up a bit and told him about most of the mayor stressful situations of my past. But! I told everything with a smile on my face.... I also don't know why i d that either, smile while telling a sad story instead of crying like a normal person would... anyways.
After much talking he concluded that I might indeed be bipolar and depressed and have PTSD (all of which I didn't need him to tell me, cuz I already knew) And he set me up yet another appointment to take some tests to determine just what's up. But that was it really...
Today has been ok... I beat Maat on the first try in FFXI (yay) but at the exact moment I landed the final blow I get a tell from Kristie telling me that Cloudisthebest died (a player in the game) ; ;.... That just depressed me again, Me and about 30+ people went to bastok markets and gathered together to do a farewell ceremony... Everyone did shouts as to what their last words would be.... Anuy told me that he had talked her out of suiciding once,.. It was just a sad moment, even if I didn't know the guy that well.
To my surprise another friend of mine that I thought hated me, spoke to me once more. And it turns out that me and her were going through the same kind of relationship problems -.-... What is up with people cheating!? Can't they just be upfront and say "sorry I dont like you or love you anymore"? no... they gotta be chickens and go around their backs and lie to them, back stab them and betray their trust.... They may not tell us they want to break up because it wil hurt us, but cant they understand that it hurts us more if you dont break up and just cheat?
*sighs* anyways... that is my rant about cheating ppl -.-... now for another session of self analyzation and assuming... I think Im too 'needy' and that pushes people away.... some might get annoyed, some might start to dislike me, or some just stop talking to me.... I see this, I know this. But it is the way I am, can't change that about me unless you want me to be the complete opposite and akward.... I don't want that because then I wouldn't be myself or be happy.
Heh, you guys must be tired of reading me already and thinking of never reading this again :p... I don't blame you, eevn I would give me a good smack in the head hehe... Ok, I'll stop now
PS: I'm just trying to be nice and friendly.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
The heart is abloom... It shoots up from the stony ground
Hey , how are you today? Thank you for caring enough about me and still read this blog to check up on me.. means a lot even if I don't know if you have read it... Specially after the last post >.>... speaking of which, I apologize for it being so dramatic. I simply cannot help the way I feel or think, just as much as I cannot help to be honest about it. The way I see it is that if you still care about me, then it shows you are a true friend.
But anyways, onwards with today.... I kinda messed up with my big mouth in game. You know who you are if you are reading this, I took a guess and I seem to have hit a deep nerve. I am sorry, that I caused you grief or upset you, I really am.. I do not mean to judge, but only to find the truth... sadly enough, sometimes people only speak from the heart when they are in pain. I apologize once more /bow
I was quite depressed because of the beforehand mentioned problem, but most of all I was sick with myself for being so inconsiderate of peoples feelings. When you are a loner and bipolar, sometimes you don't care about others or what they think of you... I hate that part of me, I used to be such a good kid... I really am trying to find that once more.
And then came Kristie... She stuck with me and tried to cheer me up.. I could of have easily logged off or go at away, but instead I stuck around her being all depressive. I think I may of have been looking for what she gave me... someone to stick with me through the bad as well as the good and make me feel better... Thank you /kneel
She is such a great person, so strong... I wish I had her strength on how to handle life, just not give up and keep pushing forward, striving to better oneself. I on the other hand only sulk around feeling sorry for myself and not doing anything to better me. The problem is that I don't really care, I have no motivation for being strong... I think I'll stick with her and see if she can give me that motivation that I need.... (sorry, seems you are stuck with me for a while ^^)
I also found out something about myself... I'm only happy when I'm helping someone I like... If I'm not doing something for someone else, then I get down. Almost as if I'm wasting my time. I am 26 now and I am still so immature, but at eh same time so mature....It is strange, I am always either one thing or the other, complete opposites for example...
I am either overly friendly, or a complete dick.
I am either lazy or very hard working.
I love or I hate
I'm super sensitive or completely emotionless
There are a few more opposites of me, but it seems that I cannot get into a middle ground for any of them... BTW, I'm writting this while Im super sleepy and mellowed out by medications.... I also want to apologize for misuse of punctuation and such,
Well, I think this is about it for me, I'm about to pass out and I gotta see the crazy docs tomorrow. Take care all and thank you for reading again. /wave
Monday, April 07, 2008
Yeah, here we go again for the hundreth time. Hand grenade pins in every line
(those that read this are persons I 'trust') Sigh, it's been a looong time since I've used this. As some of you may know, I normally post in here when my life takes a turn and my feelings are just too much to hold in and I have to vent some how... SO yeah... once again, that time has come, but I don't even know where to start... So let's start from the beginning, shall we?
Right, so there I was, minding my own business playing FFXI last year like always... but what was different the day of christmas eve, is that a woman in the game admitted that she liked me... 24th December 2007. Her name was 'Charlene'. I warned her that I am always serious on relationships and give it 100% every time, I told her that I have trust issues and can't just say that I like her... but that I was willing to give us a try after learning more about her that same day.
So yeah, everything was cool, I started to really like her after a few days of learning more and more about her and all her sufferings in life. And in new years I proposed to her in game (not RL) and she accepted... So here I was again, allowing myself to trust someone with my heart and decided to love again... I knew that it was a bad idea, but the last thing we loose in life, is hope....
Over the course of two months we dated in game, I never cybered before, so she was my first when we 'did it' online.... It was pretty good I have to admit, One day my mom needed me to nationalize her, but were are on bad terms so I made a deal with her....I will go to Florida to make her a US citizen if she buys me a plane ticket to see Charlene.
So I left for Florida beginning of February and then Germany to meet my new found love. She wasn't pretty, she had two kids, a lot of baggage and barely spoke English. But I love her for being her, so everything else didn't matter to me.... like they say "love is blind"
That night we went to a bar and drank a bunch of alcohol and knowing how she loves sex, I fooled around with her there. Once we got to her place, we pretty much started to have sex.... For those that know me, then you know I was a virgin... you also know that I have had 2 fiancee's that have died due to Heart failures.... So my virginity was something very important to me and was saving it for someone special.
When the day came that I had to leave for the US again, I decided to stay another 20 days with her. I couldn't bear to loose another person I loved... So I risked my job and my apartment back in the US to be with her, somehow prove just how much I loved her....
So finally at the end of February I came back to the US to find out that I have a warrant for my arrest due to credit card fraud (huh!?), I had been evicted from my apartment and I had lost my job... So there I was, I had lost everything, but it was so worth it.
Once I go online, Charlene tells me that she has a tumor in the back of her head and that they have to operate her.... I am cursed I think... I am cursed to have everyone I love die in front of me and I am unable to be there for them... a couple of days later she tells me that she cheated on me and that she wants to break up and that she blocked me so she couldn't read my messages.... No job, no place to live in a couple of days, probably going to jail for something I haven't done, person I love and lost my virginity to, breaks up with me and cheats on me and she will probably die in a few days....
I took a knife and sliced my left wrist... the cut wasn't deep enough to make it bleed, so I sliced one more time right under the last cut, but this time I put all my strength in it and pressed my wrist against it to make sure that this time I cut deep.... It worked, I started to bleed a lot, so I took a cup and got back on the computer and began telling my 'friends' in FFXI what I had done and that Im just going to lay there until I die... Charlene came back on because someone had told her what I did and talked me into stopping the bleeding.
Some of you may be wondering why I did it, wonder if I did it to get her back... The answer is that I did not do it to get her back... My life has been hell since 2000... no family, no friends, Iraq, Army, 2 fiancee's dead.... this was the last straw. I do not want to live in a world where everyone I love dies and I did not want to be alone.. I had lost my will to live in this shitty world where my life sucked (remember eviction, warrant, etc) I literally had nothing left to loose, nothing mattered anymore and I did not want to suffer anymore in this twisted fate
Since I had not net after moving apartments I called Charlene almost everyday to check on her... She got through the operation ok. Which was a relief, but as soon as I got my internet back and logged int the game, she told me she cheated on me in RL and cybered online with a bunch of people... My mind, body, heart and soul broke that instant... All my sacrifices had been in vain and I had been spat on my face... One moment of pleasure was more important to her than my feelings or having me forever (the one she supposedly loved)
I broke up with her.... But I was still needy for her, maybe too much and I just pushed her away so far that we cannot even be friends, even if I was willing to give it another shot, she wouldn't talk to me... as if everything was my fault. There it ended and to this day, we still don't talk.
I warned her about me.... she knew that I'd give 110% for her, she knew I was a virgin I warned her not to cheat... so many things and she just disregarded them as if I wasn't good enough or as if I meant nothing at all.... To this day my chest still quivers with pain at the mere sight of her in the game or when she writes...
I am broken... way beyond repair.... I will probably be fucked up for life, I decided to go to the VA (veterans affair) and see a mental health person... I pissed most people off because I tried to suicide, had a smile on my face at all times and barely gave them information to work with so they can try to help me.... Truth is I don't think anyone or anything can help me....
So I finally saw a social worker that deals with suicides and whatnot and after a long debate and mind games I opened up a bit and explained everything and part of the way I behave... He said that normally to determine what is wrong with someone, they have to know what symptoms I show, usually there are many symptoms for one problem and that was easy to determine how to treat the patient..... but not me.... I have many symptoms of many problems and they are all intertwined.... So he said that for sure I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) I am bipolar and that I am depressed (no shit) He also said that I might be a cutter... just cut to feel relief (first time I sliced my wrists :P) and that I might be one of those persons that want to be loved, but push people away. kinda like "Hate me, but don't leave me" kinda thing.
He gave me anti depressant and I have to go back in a couple of days for an appointment with other psychologists...
But now I have a dilemma... I'm starting to like some people in FFXI again and I know they like me as well.... but I don't want to get into anything because it might be a rebound, and I don't like that at all... not only that.. I am afraid as well... My trust in others is gone.... no matter how much I would like to believe someone, there is always going to be a nagging doubt.... I also am afraid of getting into a relationship because they might die... I am so fucked up in the head right now.... But I need to feel loved..., yes, it might sound selfish that I push away people that might give me that love that I need, but still want them to like me... I know.... At this moment I am needy and I apologize to anyone that I might be hurting or confusing with my behavior... I can't help it, I am so confused....
I don't know what is right or wrong, I don't know I'm lost.......... Guess I'll just put on my happy face and go back to FFXI and help others to get my mind off of things.. talk to others to feel less pain..... Go in there and be nice so hopefully I'll find someone there to like me....
I'm so pathetic, it's sad