Thursday, November 30, 2006
Shelby's gone... that bastard! took my 50$s and he didnt give me his tower like he promised =p... he said He'd send his mom to give it to me... bah. I would say what I feel and think about the whole situation.. but it isn't something that I haven't already said all month.
But anyways, went to a get together with him at his house before yesterday and we had a good time; had a bon fire, drank some quality beer <3 and he played his guitar and sang.. he broke a string to his guitar and when he came back with a new one... the pin to secure the string went missing, lol! aaah yes, fun stories about that night...
Zack (Shelby's cousin and Branden's lil half brother, yeah Branden the DJ of the AMX) got high somking and he went to talk to the horses, LMAO! he was gona for like 10 mins, we all thought he had gone to sleep or something, but we then see him running towards the house saying he is going to feed the horses... lol.. so we ask him to bring us some snacks too.... next time we see him, he is running around with both hands over his head muttering something about the horses... and he dissapeared again, haha...
10 minutes later he comes back making horse sounds and said that he ate the horses food because he couldn't find them anymore.. and he forgot OUR snacks.. aaah man, poor sod, lol! If you want to know who Shelby and Zack are, just check myspace... Shelby is under the name 'Guitarded' and Zack is under the name 'No' I think.. he might have changed it... his is a yellow sorts of pic and has sunglasses on.. he might have changed that too, lol
But yeah, that was our night... it was fun to say the least =]... My manager told me about another job that is close to my house and pays double the money I make at the gas station; but the housrs are ridiculous... like 12 hours a day 7 days a week... but if I work all that... I can get paid up to 9,000$s a week... that's right... nine thousand a week!!! I could buy my car ina week and pay off most of my debts! not only that but I can get my dream car in less than a month!
Now Im motivated.. I don't care if I have to work all that... By just working a month straight I can live a good life, even if I quit or get fired... now THAT is really good... *NODS*
Alrite, that's that... and sorry to all of you who MSNed me and I didn't answer... I was working, heh... yeah, I forget to put my status on away.. oops!.... cyas and wish me luck!
Monday, November 27, 2006
tired, sleepy; I wanna stay up; but the shadows of teh night are overtaking me... bah! fine, let them win.
Tonight I was supposed to go out with Clarissa, she was in mexico for thanxgivin and told me that we would go have some dank beer when she came back today hehe... well; as it turns out.. She didn't come pick me up like she said, I called her and she made some excuse about her car and sister and blah blah blah... Well, there goes yet another let down and someone not keeping their word.
Can someone please explain... why doesn't anyone keep their word nowadays? it's like it's the new fad or something, like... "Hey, it's cool to lie, it's cool to break promises, it's cool to say you are going to do something and then not do it.. cmon everyone! let's be assholes!"
Bah, anyways, met someone pretty cool online; hopefully I aint looking too stupid XD; and tomorow (Or should I say tonight?) I'm going to a get together with Shelby, he is leaving for Seattle pretty soon, so it's probably the last time we are gonna spend time together before he leaves... it's a shame because he is probably my best firned here... anwyays, there is gonna be some drinking prolly, a bonfire in his backyard, some grilling <3... it's gonna be fun; I want to listen to him sing and play guitar cuz I havent still and it's been a month since he got here.
Yawn again... one of these days I'm going to write what is wrong with the world in details.. like every single thing that is wrong nowadays I'm going to type and describe in detail... I've been meaning to do it, but I've been working everyday for the past week and a half and I've been tired, and ofcourse not really motivated, heh.
Ok, now Im out... sleepy time
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Hehehe.... Got them... a couple of kids at work were bugging me... a lot; so at one of those ocassions, one of em took 2 magazines and was starting to walk out the door; but I took the magazines away from him, and put him behind the counter with me, called the cops and hahaha! 2 teens started saying that they would fuck me up and I said "Do it, we got cameras and Im about to call the police"
The chicken wouldnt fight me.. bah, boring, anyways; they started saying that I was racist until I started speaking to them in spanish, lol.. that shut them up... then they said that I was going to hell, yadda yadda, pffft... anyways, police finally got there and started talking to the kid. and he said that he thought they were free magazines, etc, etc.
So the officer came to me and asked me
Officer: "So, what do you want to do?"
Me: "Just scare them, hehehe"
Officer: "Alright, want to press charges?"
Me: "Nah, just scare him that way he wont try again, he is gonna be banned from the store anyways"
Officer: "Ok"
hehehe, after a bit of talking the officer said
"Ok, let's go, follow me"
Kid:"Where are we going"
Officer: "You are going to jail"
Kid starts crying: "Noooo, I promised my mom I woulnd't steal, please give me another chance, please!"
Both officers and I start laughing quietly, not because we are mean or whatever, but because well... ti was hilarious! xD aaaah sorry, I know Im going to hell, so screw it, lol... but anyways, the officer took him and the other kid to their cars, checked them up and put em in the back seat and took off.
Im guessing they are just gonna drop them off at their homes =]... now I dont mean to be mean or anything, but if you don't teach them at a young age that stealing even littel things have BIG consequences... like going to jail, your whole life is ruined for something so stupid and insignificant as magazines or candy.... They need to be scared of that... I don't care if they hate me or come at me later with a gun or whatever.
Aaaaah, anyways, that made my day <3... Im tired, so I'm off; peace.
BTW, Im thinking about trying the ouija board sometime soon; I'm going to find out if dead ppl are watching and looking out after me, lol... nothing ventured, nothing gained
Thursday, November 23, 2006
well... lot of things I want to say or wanted to say; but as time passes, so do my thoughts... Things that once seemed to matter, now do not, things that once were important to remember, now they don't amek a difference... yeah, it's me rambling on again... joy.
Anyways... before yesterday I received the news that I had been expecting for about a month... the news of Madison's death... I just can't cry anymore, I think that all my tears and sadness have been depleted even before she passed away; all the anxiaeties (sp) and worries and everything had already been eased... I guess since I already had set my mind on her demise, it didn't affect me so much.
Everything in life is a state of mind like the title of my blog says... last thing Madi said to me was not to worry because God would keep her safe.. her salvation was God, and her faith was with him... and she died... salvation: a state of mind... eh? I feel kind of bad for not crying for her death or showing more remosrse... I do feel kind of bad, as if I've betrayed her or what I felt...
The truth is that I hate God... I never fully believed and I always asked him to give me a sign or a proof or something to make me believe in him.... What has he done? he has taken the 2 girls I've loved the most in my life due to the same problem... heart failure.... and they are girls that are no older than 23... girls that have never hurt a fly, girls that would never do anything to hurt you and always wanted to see you smile; girls that hate had no place in their heart.
God kills the good people and leave the bad... God makes live out in this miserable world.... I don't care if I die or live anymore... that is no secret to old readers... But I'm not gonna kill myself... Already done a couple of things to kill myself and Im still here... so obviously he hates me so that he wans me to suffer more.
I won't put up a face or hide behind a mask.. I'll tell you how it is right here and now... Im a pretty fucked up person... I've done things to others that are despicable and full of hate, things that satan would be proud of.... I'm not that nice of a guy; I'm actually turning out to be a rude person and full of spite, a person that won't make sacrifices for you... this is the person I'm turning out to be... and if some mighty power takes away pure people that could make the world better.. and leave a fucked up person alive.... then there is def. something wrong.
I feel as if I've already experienced 2 lifetimes... so it's not like life has much more meaning to me, you know? I have no goals, no inspirations, no nothing... all I got is life; I can't say that I have hope, so yeah... all I got left is my life; and if my time comes, I won't fight for that life... Hell, I'm even scared of loving someone again because God will just kill them off with a heart failure or some shit.
Now, after all of this.been said, after all my past posts... am I in the wrong for turning out to be how I described? I think not... if there is God and if he really has a plan for everyone and knows what we are going to do in the future... then I can also say that all these deaths were meant to happens so I transform myself into who I am becoming to be.... So I feel no regret for the things I do; I feel as if there are no consequences to my actions, no matter what they are.... If God doesnt exists, then I can do all sorts of bad thigns and dont worry about going to hell.... and if he does exists, then I can say that he wanted me to turn out this way; he knows already what Im going to do right? so if he cares for me, he will prevent me from going to hell.... if he cares (which I seriously doubt after all this crap he pulled) then he will just let me be...
Call it putting the blame on someone else, or call it what you will... the fact is that my actions today are because of God... and if he doesnt exist, then it's the worlds fault... either way; I am putting the blame on other thigns because in all honesty... I did my best to let them live... I tried my best to make them happy... I tried my best with the knowledge I had... Their deaths is not in my hands; so the ones guilty of this is either God, or the world itself... so as you can see... there isn't much motivation for my caring towards my wellbeing or my future... because either way.... one of those 2 are gonna fuck it up, just like they fucked theirs up... who knows.. maybe I'm already fucked up.... yeah like I said... I'm a fucked up person...
peace
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Listen to "Ride on Shooting Star"
Got a new kitten <3!!!
Shelby lost mmy other one and gave me a baby kitten! it's the cutest and smallest thing ever! You would never believe the story behind how he got the kitten... it turns out that he drove his car somewhere with his mom, and when they got out, they heard some meowing, but ofcourse they didnt pay muich attention to it; so they went on with their business. Few hours later they come back and drive back home, when they get out they hear the same meowing... so this time, they search the car for the cat.... it turns out that the kitty was in the motor of the car, clinging on to the firewall under the hood... now that is what I call one bad ass kitten with all the will to survive.
Poor little fellah was a bit banged up (By the way he is sitting on my chest and I can narely see the keyboard, lol) awww, now he is pawing me ^_^.. he is soooo tiny! He is the same size as my hand <3!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways, my other cat doesnt like him much and keeps hissing at him... that lil biatch...
As some of you might know, I named my first 2 cats Edward elric and alphonse elric because they were brothers and also cuz one was blond and the other one was grey, so they fit perfectly with the name of the Fullmetal Alchemist protagonists (plus for some very odd reason and coincidence, they had the same personalities).So to carry on the FMA naming tradition; I've named this lil fella Alex Armstrong cuz he is bplnd and because he is strong as hell for a lil kitten to have clung to the wall of a car for hours and still live.
Well, tomorrow when I get offwork I'm gonna check out this other job that a couple of managers told me I'd have; in which they pay me 75% more then my actual job... andok.. alex isnt letting me ytype, he keeps knowking my glasses off and keeps getting in the way... so Im out.. cyas!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Listen to "Feel Good Inc." By Gorillaz
aaaaah, it's been a while; lots to update and whatnot *chills to the Gorillaz*... Welp; I'm back to normal, and that usually means taht I'm starting over again.. new life, new points of view, new feelings, new everything... call it enlightment, moment of clarity or ephiphany (SP).
How I reach it? well, not thanks to others that is for sure... I changed hours for my job, went from graveyard to evenings; I figured I needed more people around and needed it to be clear outside and shiny; that way I wouldn't be so depressed or have that much time to think about things... You know, I am someone that is all for truth, someone that wants to know everything and all the answers.. but sometimes for my own sake; it's best to just forget. Walk away from the truth and just indulg yourself with falseties... Sounds weird, I know.. sounds like I'm running away, but hey... if it keeps me alive; then I'll run if that is how you percieve what I jsut said, means to you.
Anyways, I just beat FF12; it's actually pretty good when you reach the end; but hey... that means you have to stay glued t the thing for hours and days without feeling like you are doing anything... final time on the game was 86 hours, but then again.. I left the PS2 on while I slept a few times.
I'm hungry... X.x... Oh yeah, you know how I switched hours at the store? well; yesterday it got robbed at gunpoint at 1am... so if I hadn't changed hours, I would of have been robbed myself... and well; since I don't really care what happens to me, I probably would of have taken the gun away from him, or get shot in the process... so I guess it was good that I switched hours. Funny how life works, neh?
Ah well, here comes the painful part of being ok now... try to make it up to people nad hope they forget/forgive... well, now I can stand on my own again; but it'd be nice to have a couple of friends again. If not... ah well; shit happens.
I might go party tonight, depends on Shelby... oh yeah, talking about him... Shelby.. when I woke up (after 23 hours of sleep and missing work) I noticed that he had left his laptop in the house; so I locked the door and he came by later.. I just ignored him... he was shouting things like "Why won't you open the door zanza? I just want my laptop" etc, etc... well; now he knows how I felt... I just wanted to sleep when you locked me out... Heh.. ah well; we are ok now I guess.. he got his stuff and I told him that I was pissed cuz he had loicked me out, etc, etc... he just apologized... heh... I can't hate ppl for long.
My head hurts X.x.. maybe cuz I've been watching the matrix trilogy and gonna watch the animatrix now; maybe cuz I've been up for 6 hours and all I've done is play FF12 and Im gettign ready to start a game a kid gave me so I could beat it for him... maybe cuz I'm hungry..Ah well.
When I had nothing else to do online, I just checked my past; and by that I mean that I checked my blog a year and 2 years ago.. she what I was doing this day a couple of years ago... and surprisingly.. it wasn't that much different from what I'm doing today or how I felt today... So I guess I really haven't gotten anywhere in life; just the same old, same old.
Oh, by all means, feel free to check my past posts.. I'm sure they'll give you more insight as of why I am the way I am today and why I do and feel the things I do.. if you got time that is.. I think there is close to 1,000 posts... ah well, jsut take it slowly or click random days, heh.that's what I do
Bleh, Ok, time to eat and play the new game... I feel like a monk... I feel at peace, if you could say that... I figured taht once you don't have anything to care about, then there is nothing to stress over about... everything is meaningless and meaningfull at the same time... so that means taere is no need to worry about things, just go with the flow and let thigns happen... live and let live... peace
Sunday, November 12, 2006
This is just plain fucked up.... I was having a good day at work, you know; starting to get everything straight. Shelby was gonna stay the night and he gave me a ride to work and was supposed to come pick me up later in the morning. You know; everything is cool; my imnd is stil active and I get sentimental here and there, but that is the recovery process ofcourse... slowly but surely.
As the night goes by, ppl start to annoy the crap out of me, so by the time Im ready to go home I call Shelby to tell him to come pick me up... no answer... great... call him again.. nothing... I called him 6 times and he didn't answer... so I gotta walk two miles to my home and it's below 30 degress.... ok?... taht is below water freezing temp.. So I walk my arse home and when Im ready to just go in and pass out... the fucking door is locked.. dammit! I banged on the door... and nothing.. kicked the door.. no response.. puched the living crap out of it and still nothing, I woke up my neighbors with all the banging and noise I made, taht is how loud I was....
So, fuck it.. I take the screen off my window and open it, I got through and check my bedroom... to find Shelby sleeping with a girl... with my ONLY blanket and my ONLY pillow... they are just passed out.... that's fucked up... I'd expect that shit from anyone... but not from Shelby.... there goes the only person in this town taht I actually trusted to keep his word and not fuck me over like that...
I'm tired. I'm supposed to take 2 sleeping pills, but I took 4.. if I don't wake up, that'd be great. fuck the world
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Listen to '1979' By Smashing Pumpkins on my playlist
Yawn, I'm starting to sleep more... maybe because I'm just plain tired? maybe cuz of the pills? I didn't take em yesterday so I don't think that was the reason why... hmmm, ah well.. The water company thingy was closed friday, so I'm gonna go without water at my apt. for the weekend... which sux cuz I really wanted to go work out, but if I can't take a shower, I'm not gonna even try.
It's saturday and Im smelly, unshaven and dirty; so I'm not looking for a job this weekend, but I will tuesday when I get 'nice'; that way I give a good impression... you know? out of 10 jobs I have applied at, I've gotten 7 of them; so I'm not too worried about being able to get a job, i'm more worried about getting there on time; I'm gonna be so tired that I'm not gonna want to wake up and walk all the way to work. Maybe I can get it part time?... nah, that wouldnt help and it'd be half assed about it.
Hmmm, went to see a movie yesterday, it's called 'the return'. I don't wanna spoil because if I do, it'll loose all it's mistery if ya wanna go see it... well the movie was alrite, it wasnt scary, it was jumpy; like some scenes will make you jump a bit, hehe; but it is a movie that makes you think wtf is going on!? and it's pretty nice... I like that in a movie... I went to the movies with my manager and a kid that loves videogames <3... so we got to talk about games and stuff and he asked me to beat a game for him and tell him how to do it... It's nice =]
Alrite... second job.. there are plenty of places around ehre for jobs... the easiest ones are close to my other job, one is in the Jones Center and the other one is at a liqour store... but there are jobs that are even closer, but they require a LOT of work... but the pay is almost twice as much as I make on my current one...
Another option I have is that I purposely get evicted and go to washington with Shelby, where I can make 70,000$s a year; it'd be really cool because I'd be living with a friend and making big bucks.... ah well... I'll see howit goes with the jobs.. if by the end of my lease I got enough money, I might go live with him in washington.. but that is like 8 months away.. bleh
You know? internet is so boring without people to talk to or things to do... but it really does unstress me a bit (for the exception that there are people I want to talk to)... like Im not worried about having to reply to things on time, or being depended on, or having a website to maintain... all I do online now is just what I want... which is update this blog and talk to one of my 7 ppl on msn... now that i bloked most people and got rid of Myspace.. I wont have unwanted people popping up wanting to talk.. people i dont want to talk to and I'd feel bad if I leave them hanging... So yeah, it's better this way... the people that really do care will talk to me; they will find a way; that way I don't have to worry about who is caring and who is a fake.
Once I get enough money Im getting cable for my TV; I didn't get it before because I was too busy and too poor with the internet; but now that it's gone, I'm getting rather bored in here... so having cable will help me stay entertained <3.. But I probably wont get that til I can really afford it. Wish I could buy the PS3 and some games, but I gotta focus on a car first... sacrifice it... like my good feelas would say... "Equivalent exchange"
hmmm, yeah sorry if the posts are long, but now that I got nothing better to do, I'm just passing time on my blog *listens to Audioslave ~"be yourself"*.. I got 15 $s to my name, heh... hmmm I can't do anything with 15$s, lol... ah well, I gotta make em last until friday... talking about friday; I gotta pay for electricity and internet; and that is gonna take my whole paycheck... hmm.. I think I'm gonna start working overtime again... if I don't work overtime I get paid about 250$s a week... but if I work overtime, I get paid close to 400$ a week... big difference, neh? I haven't been doping it lately because I didn't feel like doing anything, much less work extra, pffft... But I'll start again.
Oh yeh, other reason why I didn't do it is cuz I wanted to get home early to check the itnernetm, hehe... but I don't have to worry bout taht anymore <3... and in case you are wondering.. no I haven't taken my pills today, so my over talking isnt the pills at work... hmmmm come to think of it... this apt. complexes has a swimming pool.. YAY! that means I can workout and then just dive and relax at the swimming pool ^_^. yeah I think Im gonna go do that when I finish here.
Too bad I don't have a cdplayer or MP3 player with me.. they are all still in Germany.. those bastards... but tehre is a TV in the workout room; so that could do if they got a music channel. Ah well... I'm done here. I'll probably workout, dive into the pool and then come back, change clothes and play some more FFXII and then sleeeeep cuz I work tonite... bleh... cyas all
Friday, November 10, 2006
Well, it's finally over; it has been concluded and my mind is a bit more at ease; I would of course, have apreciated a little bit more support and help, or at least a CLEAR explanation as of why it couldn't be done... but I guess talking is just too much to ask. Ah well... whatever is best if there is such a thing.
Talked to Stu for quite a bit and I appreciate the fact that he tried to help me and listened to me instead of just running away or ignoring me pleas for help like some people have done. Talked about quite a bit... as a matter of fact, I think I needed to hear what he toild me... and yes, you did help me even if I don't act like it.
Shelby talked to me as well and he was the most helpfull and supportive.. he is like a brother to me.. he is true, honest and will do anything to help me... he is going to find me some drugs to mellow out, he is also going to spend a week over at my place and we are going to actually hangout and party... If it weren't because he was around, I'd problably have a thougher time since I'd be completely lonely otherwise. Love that guy... in person, he is the only person I can count on and know taht he will actually keep his word. There is nothing I respect more than keeping their word to me.
Anyways, I've decided... I deleted myspace, but maybe someday I'll open it back up... depending on how things turn out in the next few days... I'm also going to get a second job for sure in order to get me a car... like Shelby said.... I need a car so I can get out of this apartment and hang out and meet other people... also get a better job, because I deserve one... I've ben in the army, Im bilingual and if I may say so; I'm hell of smart. Too bad I use my smartness the wrong way sometimes and fuck everythng up...
You know.. it's weird how people quickly forget how I was... it's like.. I go through some depression and they all instantly focus on the pain and dont do a thing to get that other guy back... the other guy that helped them out in life... get them through stuff... I'm like "Ok, I was there for you when you needed someone... but you can't be there when I need you"... like I said.. one moment of weakness and everyone forgets the good things.
Wake up people, I'm not gonna be depressed forever... I'm getting out of this hole; how long it takes me to get out... well it all depends on your support... yeah sure, you can all tell me that you care for me and whatnot.. but if you don't prove it or show it... then it's like they are just words, you know? now taht Shelby and Stu havebeen supportive.. I think I can manage somehow.
I still don't have much hopes of anything... I probably screwed up the only thing that mattered just because I had a weak moment in my life... and well... it falls on me; realizing that it's my fault, actually makes me more depressed... but hey... life is a learning experience right?,, there might not be a God, or a heaven where I can live happily ever after. But when you look back at life and see all the misery, well you tend to forget those small moments in life where it was a piece of heaven... there might not be many of them... but they exists... I want to feel that piece of heaven again..... and it's not going to come if I stay like this.
I welcome death if it comes; it's not like I have anything to look forward now; but I'm not gonna end it myself... I'm a big coward... I got plans and details on how to execute the final blow; but Im too scared of what will happen. it's the way my life has been since I was 19, death is at the door and will take you any moment... when you have nothing left to loose, you tend to go all out and take the chances you wouldnt take otherwise... if that all makes sense to you.
I've been saying how I got two personalities and stuff, one tht is full of hope and one taht is full of whateverness... and well... I tried going bak to that last one... but as it turns out... they have mixed without even me noticing... given the right conditions I can turn to whichever without getting rid of the other one. Yeah, this may be crazy talk to you... and even as I write it Im stating to think Im really crazy myself. I blame the happy pills!.. which by the way I kinda overdosed cuz they werent working, and I still dont think they are; or maybe they are and Im not noticing... ah whatever.
I've experienced almost everything there is to experience in life emotionally, so it's not like I got regrets as on how I've lived my life so far... more than regret, I'm just frustrated towards people, myself included... I dont regret saying or doing anything because well... I'm always myself, for better or worse, so there is no regret there... but it does frustrate me how I do things and say thing pretty often.
Anyways, I've gone on for too long and I'd e surprised if you were still reading to this nonsensical rambling. So I'll cut it short and just got to sleep... or try at least.. maybe I'll eat.. hmmm
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Alrite... I had to go to the doctor because of my longest lasting depression ever (3 weeks in a row)... I had to go because there have been time where I just can't work at all or sleep or socialize or nothing... So anyways I went and I've been diagnosed with "Clinical Depression" ... He explained it to me, but I'm just gonna copy paste what wikipedia says to make this easier to explain.
Clinical depression (also called severe depressive disorder, major depressive disorder) is a state of intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living. Although a low mood or state of dejection that does not affect functioning is often referred to as depression, clinical depression is a clinical diagnosis and may be different from the everyday meaning of "being depressed". Many people identify this feeling as "being blue", "feeling sad for no reason", or "having no motivation to do anything".
Symptoms of depression:
- Persistent feelings of sadness, irritability, or anxiety
- Overreaction to irritations
- Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, including sex
- Sleeping too much, sleeping too little
- Losing or gaining weight
- Tiredness or restlessness
- Slowed movement, thought and/or speech
- Guilt, low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
- Inability to concentrate and poor memory
- Loss of motivation
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Suicidal thoughts and/or behavior
- Withdrawal from relationships, antisocial behavior
- Physical aches and pains that seem to have no other cause
(also read this website http://scorpioncity.com/depr.html)
That is what wiki says and it describes my feelings down to the point... so anyways; I got the next 2 days off work and he gave me happy pils; cant remember the name of em now, I just took em.... he also gave me pills for helping me sleep... for my sleeping problems I've been diagnosed with "Acute Imsomnia" Which Im going to use Wiki to help describe it as well
Insomnia is characterized by an inability to sleep and/or to be incapable of remaining asleep for a reasonable period. Insomniacs typically complain of being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. Both organic and nonorganic insomnia constitute a sleep disorder[1][2]. It is often caused by fear, stress, anxiety, medications, herbs or caffeine. An overactive mind or physical pain may also be causes. Finding the underlying cause of insomnia is usually necessary to cure it.
Insomnia lasting from one night to a few weeks is referred to as transient. This is generally the case for most people, as one often suffers from jet lag or short-term anxiety. If this form of insomnia continues to occur from time to time, the insomnia is classified to be intermittent. Acute insomnia is the inability to consistently sleep well for a period of three weeks to six months. However, after this time, the person does not experience insomniatic episodes.
Anyways, those are the 2 he said were my main diagnose... but he also said I could have other stuff too... he said I could have "obsessive-compulsive disorder", "panic disorder". "anxiety disorder"... Im sure he said another one but I don't see it in wikipedia... anyways, click the names of the disorders for a link to their definition and more in wiki..
See? I always told people that I was crazy, but no one believed me =p.. ah well, I always wanted to try prozac, maybe no I finally can, hehe... as a side search of my own I've searched for famous ppl that has had what Ive been diangnosed with, and here are my results
~Vincent van Gogh: famous painter that finally killed himself with poison
~Kurt Cobain: famous singer that commited suicide with a shotgun
~Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Famous Pianist and composer became depressive and is believed that his mental condition led tho his fatal illness
~Edgar Allen Poe: Famous writter that is popular because of his depressing stories, he became an alcoholic due to depression. Poe died of "congestion of the brain"
~Sylvia Plath: Famous peot that died of suicide after numoerous known previous attempts.
~Lord Byron: Famous poet that applied his own depression to his art, died of an illness
~William Blake: Great poet and painter, he recounted a descent into "a Deep pit of Melancholy, Melancholy without any real reason for it." These episodes were often followed by periods of "illumination" and intense creativity
~John Keats: Renound writter that embraced his depression and use it for his work, his degeneration in health was a result of his depressive attitude, it eventully led to his demise
~TS Elliot: Famous writter suffered from depression that led him to a mental breakdown which forced him to stop writting for an extended period of time
~Mark Twain: Famous all-time great american author, writter that sunk inot depression and used it in his later novels and other works
~Charles Dickens: Writter that created novels with 'happy endings' to satisfy his own discontempt with the real life scenarios that usually were traumatic and made him depressed
~Ernest Hemingway:: Remarkable novelist, his father suffered from depression and killed himself with a shotgun; After a series of years of depression he tok his own life.
~Abraham Lincoln: US President that was constantly depressed during his adult life, he once said ""I am now the most miserable man living," the 31-year-old Lincoln confessed. "Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not; To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better.".. He used his depression and realism over optimism way of thinking to become one of the greatest presidents until he was assassinated.(Personal note by Zanza: I added the quote because it is true to my feelings)
~Theodore Roosevelt : Often depressed by the world's state of war, he became the greatest president-diplomat in history by creating an impossible peace at the time.
~Winston Churchill,: A famous writter than once said "If I can't be loved, I'll find a way to be admired." Due to his depression (which he called his black dog) he was able to become a sort of hero in his time
Other celebrities that suffer from depression are below
Brooke Shileds, Peter Gabriel (musician), Spike Milligan, Axl Rose (musician), Ted Turner and Robin Williams, Roseanne Arnold (actress, writer, comedienne who also has multiple personality disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder), Kitty Dukakis and James Taylor (musician),
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Heh... I had to delete the last 2 posts... because they were... way too personal.... Well, my water got disconnected today.... madi read my messages but didnt reply to them... guess she is too busy to reply to my messages or call me.... heh. whatever
My sleeping dissorder returned... I can't sleep and if I do I can only sleep a coupleof hours... needles to say Im really tired of everything and everyone.... EVERYONE, no exceptions. Lot of talk but no action from everyone I know... Im seriously thinking about regressing to my Squall personality once more.... and I hate it...
Im gettign personal again, so Im going to stop... *sighs*... im at the point where I can't talk to no-one
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Yo, I didn't get to hang out with Branden cuz Shelby is 20... he couldn't get in the club, so I just hung out with him and Richard at his place; we drank beer, ate some good pizza and watched Great Teacher Onizuka... <3 L.O.V.E IT... When I woke up I just played some N64 Zalda ocarina of time... luff it!
Got home late yesterday night and only slept for 2 hours... I was dragging al night at work until I took an energy pill; it put me in a good mood and I had time to think about what I want to do in life... and I think I know what I want to do... I just need to look into the details and see if I'm allowed to do it; if not... then it sux; if I am allowed, then it'd be great! That means I will be moving 9 months to another state and start a brand new life (yet again).... But I got plans on keeping this new life for the rest of my own
Whew... Alright, soooo when I asked someone I liked if she loved her bf and she said not there yet... yet she told me that she loved me... soooo... well, the outcome should be obvious, but life and ppl are a mistery, so it is unpredictable... but wish she'd remember that I broke off with my ex because I didn't love her like I used to... yeah it hurt, but Im in a better place now. More grown up and I can see clearly now.
No pressure or anything, I can wait no problem; but sooner or later a decision is gonna have to be made; and I think it'd be better for everyone if it was done sooner.. I'd hate to waste time on something that probably wont go anywhere and it might just make it hurt more down the road *remembers dan's break up*.
Anyways, if you are reading this and feel weird... just remember... this is MY blog, it was your choice to come in here and read what is going on in my mind . So don't blame me if you feel taht way =p.. you r tha blame fool!
Alrite... I gotta work 4 days in a row and Im hungry and sleepy... think I'll just play some more FFXII, call my manager to bring me food and then sleep *nods* sounds like a plan... peace
Friday, November 03, 2006
Alright... Im sick and tired of being depressed. Now that I know Madi is 'Ok'; I think I can move on with my life... You don't really want to know what my feelings are or what is going through my head, so don't even ask about my decisions, because they are for the better... to better myself.
So yeah, I decided to Erase and block all my MSN contacts except for 5 ppl or so... I'm also giving my site to Matthew so he can admin it in my stead... Too much shit going on in my life right now as to worry about a website, not only that, but pay a shitload of money for it... So Im just gonna focus on getting a car and a better job.
I'm sick and tired of depending on others, it is something I always hated... so as soon as I get the car I'm quitting and getting another job... probably a cop... in 9 months I might move to another state... hell, Shelby offered me a job in Washington taht pays 70,000$ a year... plus I could always go as a contractor and make 7,000$ a month.
I always wanted to be a contractor for the Army, I get to hang around army ppl, plus travel and chill, PLUS get a lotta money! <3, only reason I hadn't done it before is beacue of love affairs that have kept me from going anywhere... but im a free spirit, I can't stay in one place for too long; it depresses me as you have seen this past week.
So yeah, tonight Im going drinking with the most famous/popular guy in this part of the state and he is going to help me beter my life <3... So yeah...My true feeligns and thoughts are going to be repressed for everyone's happness once more and I'm gonna show the world what I'm all about.. peace
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Yo, Shelby finally came by at around 8pm yesterday, his fathers girlfriend's daughter gave us a ride (confused yet?) to her house and we stayed there til about 9pm; there was this cute cat that was like my 2 cats personality wise. Anyways... She wouldn't keep her mouth shut X.x... not the cat idiot, that girl; she was yap yap yap... and it's not one of those talks that are a conversation.. no... it was one of those annoying voices that everything sounded the same, like the te4acher of charlie brown "wahwa hwah wawawahawhawha." with no feelings to her words. Hell, eve Shleby was annoyed with her, if she wasn't hot, he would of have probably just told her to be quiet, lol.
Alrite, So Shelby, his dad, his dad's girlfriend and myself went to the Pink Floyd tribute show and they marked Shelby cuz he was 20 (underage for drinking) so he was getting pissed... his dad got him some weird drink, and he gave me a "woohoo" ironic look, hehe...since I had some bud light, I just went to the bathroom with both our drinks, drained his and replaced the contents with my beer <3 Went back out and gave it to him; 2 minutes later a staff comes and takes his drink away saying that the bottle said it was 4.5% alcohol, and he took it away... now Shelby was gettign really pissed!
So I got myself a shot of jaegarmeister (6 bucks for that little shot! FUCK!) and told him to come to the bathroom with me, he downed the whole thing and started to feel better,, mwahhaha; Alrite, show is about tos tart so we just go to the front row right next to the stage and man... it's fucking awesome; that shit was the best tribute I have seen in my life; every other song I went and bought 2 more drinks, and since it was so crowded, no-one noticed that I gave him one of the cups... hellprobably no-one gived a fuck right about then.
Me and Shelby started a lot of the shit, like shouting things, everyone followed us and laughed, Shelby was the first to sing on the mic, then me; everyone just sang along and shit, Shelby and I just started jumping on the front row, everyone else did; I lighter my lighter and then the crowd followed; hell, everyone was having such a good time that it was as if we were all one big family during the show.
I gave away cigs to ppl and gave a couple of drinks away. Ah yes, Shelby is Branden lee's cousin (Branden Lee is part of the AMX on the radio 104.9 the X (The best mofo station in northwest arkansas), so anyways; I told Shelby to introduce me, but Branden dissapeared, ah well it's cool... but in the middle of the show, I saw him close to us, so I went to get some drinks and gave him one, introduced myself and said I was friends of his cousin Shelby and it just took off from there.
For those that don't know Branden, he is like a local celebrity in fayettevile; he is dixon streets god (or so Shelby says) he can go to any clubs he wants, get anything he wants, anyone he wants.. yeah.. taht is Branden in Arkansas, and that is why Im making such a big deal =p
Branden told me to hang with him at the gipsy's friday night at 9pm to get some drinks and have a good time with him and all, plus he said he wants to get me a better job than the one I have.. I really don't care if he is a celebrity really... it's the fact that he is cool as fuck.
Alright, so the show ended and it was the most amazing thing ever, Shelby wanted to sing a song onstage with some dude taht was playing something, but he said he didnt have much time; so Branden told him to let him onstage, but still nothing; but everyone wanted Shelby to get up there, so when the dude that was playing stepped away for a sec, Shelby got on stage and began singing the song the other dude was singing, haha... but then security came and just ruined teh whole thing... blah! afte that we left and I was hammered, I came home, threw up and went to sleep.
I had a dream yesterday night... It was a dream that Stuart an I went to visit a girl that I liked and stayed a couple of days over at her house/club thingy... anyways, I was getting really frustrated that Sut was stealing the girl away from me, so I was depressed and stuff; I decided to make a move with some jewelry I had brought with me and yadda yadda.. anyways, someone said I was stealing the jewelry I had brought with me and then I became a fugitive of justice because someone said I stole the stuff that I had brought with me... lol... weird dream *stabs stuart in dream*