Monday, October 30, 2006
Why do I even bother believing what others say? why? what the fuck is wrong with me and always giving second adn third chances to others, huh?... those 2 'friends' never called me or came and got me to go see 'saw 3'. what the fuck? huh? is everyone but me a person of his word? whatever.
Had a nightmare, well It might sound like a nightmare to some, but it didn't bother me in the least... I dreamt that I was working at a convenient store and there was this co-employee that had gotten robbed, and so he brought a gun to work with him; he just swung the thing around like it was a toy... Ofcourse me being an expert on weapons and how to handle them, I tell him
"Hey man, put that gun down, it could fire by accident and kill someone" well, sure enough, as he said "No man, this thing has a safety right here" he said as he pointed to gun toward me to show me... and bang.... he blew part of my face away.
I felt numb, and looked around at people shouting and I remember me asking "What is hurt? what am I missing?" and then I passed out.. when I came to, the guy had blown my tongue away and part of my cheek; I couldnt talk clearly, so I had to show people my stitched up tongue... and for some reason, my leg had been amputated, so I was missing my tongue and my leg... and the thing is.... i was acting as if everything was perfectly fine and normal...
I don't know what is wrong with me... a dream that should of have freaked me out; it didn't have the slightest impact, i think I just dont care what happens to me anymore.. peace
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Last night I went through another lapse of wanting to dissapear. Im seriously thinking of getting anti-depressants or something because it's getting ridiculous. I hate medicine and even if Im dying, I don't take any, no pills, no syrups, no nothing... If I had only felt depressed for a coupl of days, that'd be cool; because that is usually what it takes for me to get over stuff, a day to 3 days or so. But it's been a week already and Im feeling the same way as I did the first day; yeah it got better , but then it just got worse again.
I'm not gonna kill myself or anything, but loosing the will to live is a gresome thing, not wanting to do anything, dissapear; no motivation to do anything in life. Sux, it actually prevents me from working and getting anything done; hell, I even thought real seriously to give the forums to someone else because I can't handle the stress. I even thought of just cutting off my internet and just . I dunno what, just stop coming online all together.
One thing that I know Im going to do is delete a lot of my MSN contacts and probably have like 10 ppl left in it; I already deleted half of my myspace friends... but anyways, I think Im going to get a second job at a videogame store called 'fgamexchange'; tonight Im going to watch "Saw 3" with a couple of friends, one of them being my ex roomate (the fat one) Kenny.
Meh, i still don't know what im going to do in the fuiture, not near nor far... I'm just 'alive', Im just existing; I think that what I want right now more than anything is a car... so I can just take off one day for a few days; maybe go to other states, and well ofcourse, get a better job. I don't even think I have anymore plans for my B-day.. things aren't exactly coming together, so it seems I'll just spend my Bday at home... alone, without presents... just... me and my cats. Ah well, I've spent the last 7 years without celebrating a birthday; might as well keep the tradition going *Sighs*.
Yeah, Im a sad and lonely fellow. Don't think it's because I'm a loner, it's because I've moved so much to new towns that I don't know anyone; and when I move I can't concentrate on partying or meeting new people because Im too busy trying to survive. Like now... I can't be bothered to meet new ppl or party, why? well because I simply can't. hell, a lot of girls flirt with me and tell me I got a sexy ass and that I got nice hair, they say they like my lipring, my pants, my jacket, my acent, yadda yadda. What do I do?... I'm rude as hell to them; I'm aware that I am.. Don't know why i am that way, but I am. It's not like I want to play the 'cool sexy guy' role or anything; it's just... well... I dunno... ah whatever.
Wish I could smoke or get drunk or something, bleh. I think Shelby is coming to stay over at my house tomorrow for a few days; that'd be awesome <3
So you ask the question... what do I look forward in life?? not a damn thing. Cheers
Friday, October 27, 2006
Im tired and want to go to bed, but thoughts have haunted my mind since about a week ago. I honestly, from the bottom of my heart wanted to die; to this day I don't have much motivation to keep on living, but I'm still here, hanging on a tiny and delicate thread that might break if the wind blows.
What happened to make me, the one that dozens of ppl know for being strong willed, determined, happy, carefree and the pride of the size of a Squall (pun intended); want to die?... well, a woman, someone I trusted with my life, just turned out to be a lie... Sorry but women are my weakness. It's a long story... trust me, VERY long; but if you know me, then you know who Im talking about and my past with her and her sister.
Well, I honestly believe that she is a lie, that everything she is and was and even others were created and I have been tricked into believing this played out lie (well, actually I suspected it, but I wanted to trust her). So I broke it up because I think she is lying... soudns harsh? maybe.. but how am I supposed to be with someone that I can't even trust? someone that I doubt? well, there is no future in it even if I was mistaken about her.
What is salvation to people? to most people in the world, salvation is being saved from unhappiness and delivered to extreme bliss; most of which consider to be in the hands of God, live besides God and in some other religions, alongside Jesus... all your life you have been good and trying your best to folow your religion to be saved from this mortal life and from hell.
Well, to us non-religious types it is harder to define salvation, because everyone has a different taste and point of view on what they want and what makes them happy. To me.... well, to me is to just spend the rest of my life with someone that can make me forget this world that can be compared to hell itself if it exists... Salvation to me is finding that someone to spend every waking day alongside, someone that puts a smile on my face and makes me forget that there are such attrocities going on outside our own little world.
When I broke up with Sarah, it felt as if I'd never achieve that salvation; I will never be happy, I will be just another one of those guys that will soon go crazy and join the mayority of the world in their own hell... which means, steal, torture, kidnap, rape, drugs, lie, sex, uncaring, destruction, malice, sadism, etc... Now, if there is no such thing as God (I haven't decided wether he is real or not, hence my non-religion status). If there is no God, then there is no point in trying to be good, I'd rather die than to suffer more, or become one of those criminals that don't give a rats ass about others... I don't have it in my heart to become one of them... and if God is a lie, then suicide will have no consequences... I wont go to hell, I wont go to heaven because they wouldnt exist.
Then why am I still here? ranting on and on? I don't know... I guess my weakness is also my greatest strenght.... Because of just one woman that I care for, cares for me as well; Madi... I'm scared, I wont lie, every day I come online and don't see her on, my chest tightens and it hurts like hell; specially since it's been 4 days since we last spoke. The reason behind her absence online? I got a couple of theories which Im sure are right on the mark; but I wont mention them out of respect for privacy... Let's just say that she has to find herself.
I'll be honest, I want to run to where she is at and check up on her, send her thousands of emails asking where she is at, what is wrong, etc, etc, etc... It's hard to control myself, but I know she needs the space and so I have to control myself... yes, I am weakminded when it comes to women I care for. Weakminded but strongwilled. I will try and be patient and trust her... I just wish she'd atleast come on and say hi to know that our friendship still stands; know that the thread that keeps me going hasn't broken yet without me knowing.
Right now Im trying to find ther threads to cling on to, it isn't easy because I'm blind and I have to reach out to find them and hope that I find them.
I've been infesting my head with plans and thought to keep me from over thinking and worrying too much, and alos I just got myself a new flat screen TV 27"... <3 and in 4 days FFXII comes out, so that will keep me going and probably give me some much needed strenght.
But yeah, that is what has been going on in my life these past week. There are more side stories to tell, which I will.. but tomorrowI gotta sleep cuz I gotta work in 3 hours. Nite all, and thanx for reading this much
New start
Alrite, starting this blog anew, with new layout and new pretty much everything, including new life and new horsecrap to go around mumbling about... Anyways I got quite a few rants and storis to tell but for now, I'm just gonna go sleep, working too much man.